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MILITARY JOKES
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I was temporarily assigned to a recon unit (no, I wasn't a snake-eater, just on administrative loan, and was working in a
sergeant-major's outer office.
The Sgt-Maj was a Broadway wannabe, I guess. He went to a briefing every morning, and came into the office about 8:30. He would burst through the door and shout "Anybody who can't tap dance is a loser!"
He would tap dance across the floor and into his office while the rest of us shuffled our feet around in our own versions of tap dancing.
One morning a Chaplain, a Lt. Cmdr., came into the office before the Sgt-Maj got there ... now, you can guess what happened, but it got even better.
The Chaplain was over looking at a map on the wall when the Sgt. Maj. came in and bellowed his usual announcement. I was totally dumbfounded, and glued to the spot.
To my surprise, the Chaplain broke into a reasonable facsimile of a tap dance. The Sgt Maj stopped just outside his office door, feet still in motion, and said, "Oh, hello, Father. Are you here to see me?"
The Chaplain continued his dance routine into the office, with the Sgt Maj right behind him, still dancing away. I was in shock and disbelief!
Suddenly the Chaplain's head appeared through the door and he said to me, (who hadn't moved a muscle during all this display, "Corporal, do you have a problem?"
Later I asked Sgt Maj if he knew that Chaplain. "Nope," he said, "Never saw him before in my life."
Semper Fi.
The Sgt-Maj was a Broadway wannabe, I guess. He went to a briefing every morning, and came into the office about 8:30. He would burst through the door and shout "Anybody who can't tap dance is a loser!"
He would tap dance across the floor and into his office while the rest of us shuffled our feet around in our own versions of tap dancing.
One morning a Chaplain, a Lt. Cmdr., came into the office before the Sgt-Maj got there ... now, you can guess what happened, but it got even better.
The Chaplain was over looking at a map on the wall when the Sgt. Maj. came in and bellowed his usual announcement. I was totally dumbfounded, and glued to the spot.
To my surprise, the Chaplain broke into a reasonable facsimile of a tap dance. The Sgt Maj stopped just outside his office door, feet still in motion, and said, "Oh, hello, Father. Are you here to see me?"
The Chaplain continued his dance routine into the office, with the Sgt Maj right behind him, still dancing away. I was in shock and disbelief!
Suddenly the Chaplain's head appeared through the door and he said to me, (who hadn't moved a muscle during all this display, "Corporal, do you have a problem?"
Later I asked Sgt Maj if he knew that Chaplain. "Nope," he said, "Never saw him before in my life."
Semper Fi.
- Gary Michaels
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While awaiting orders in Norfolk several of us decided go into town to have a few beers and get something to eat.
A first class Boatswains Mate named Joe asked if he could come along. We said sure and we all went to a beer joint in Oceanview.
As the night progressed we noted that Joe was really putting away the beers. After about 4 pitchers of beer Joe called the waitress over and said "Bring me a big bowl of Fire House Chile."
When the waitress brings the chile, Joe pours about a half a bottle of Tabasco sauce into the chile and stirs it up and consumes the entire bowl.
He then asks the waitress to bring a big bowl of ice cream which he consumes.
The next morning I asked one of my shipmates "Where is Joe?" He said "He's in the head setting on the crapper hollering "Come on ice cream."
A first class Boatswains Mate named Joe asked if he could come along. We said sure and we all went to a beer joint in Oceanview.
As the night progressed we noted that Joe was really putting away the beers. After about 4 pitchers of beer Joe called the waitress over and said "Bring me a big bowl of Fire House Chile."
When the waitress brings the chile, Joe pours about a half a bottle of Tabasco sauce into the chile and stirs it up and consumes the entire bowl.
He then asks the waitress to bring a big bowl of ice cream which he consumes.
The next morning I asked one of my shipmates "Where is Joe?" He said "He's in the head setting on the crapper hollering "Come on ice cream."
- Jim Black
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TRUE STORY
A very Gung-ho Marine Staff Sargent has been promoted to Warrant Officer. On his first day wearing his new Gold Bars with the Red stripe (Marine Warrant Officer's insignia), a sailor passes him on the street without saluting.
He calls the sailor back and pointing at his bars of rank, he asked the sailor, "Do you know what this means?"
The sailor looks at his bars, pauses for a moment and then replies, "Yes, you are a Red Cross worker" then turns and walks away, leaving the new Warrant Officer red in the face, jumping up and down, sputtering for words.
A very Gung-ho Marine Staff Sargent has been promoted to Warrant Officer. On his first day wearing his new Gold Bars with the Red stripe (Marine Warrant Officer's insignia), a sailor passes him on the street without saluting.
He calls the sailor back and pointing at his bars of rank, he asked the sailor, "Do you know what this means?"
The sailor looks at his bars, pauses for a moment and then replies, "Yes, you are a Red Cross worker" then turns and walks away, leaving the new Warrant Officer red in the face, jumping up and down, sputtering for words.
- Jim Black
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When on River patrol (U.S. Navy) We "Obtained" a lemonade machine. And being the good sailors we were, we always had it mixed and ready to go.
One day, the corpsman "lost" a can of 190 grain alcohol and we added it some to the lemonade. Really quite tasty. Except it would eat through the paper cups pretty quick.
All was fine till the Admiral came aboard for an inspection and decided to have a glass of lemonade. We all panicked.
But, being the good sailor he was, Admiral just smiled and asked for the recipe.
One day, the corpsman "lost" a can of 190 grain alcohol and we added it some to the lemonade. Really quite tasty. Except it would eat through the paper cups pretty quick.
All was fine till the Admiral came aboard for an inspection and decided to have a glass of lemonade. We all panicked.
But, being the good sailor he was, Admiral just smiled and asked for the recipe.
- Skip Lash
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Brown Nose Story.....
1975, Norton AFB, I'm an E-2, been in less than 12 months....
The base commander had taken issue with the lack of respect the enlisteds/officers had in saluting flagged staff cars driving around the base, subsequently every commanders call had to address this issue over and over..ad nauseum.....threats..fire, brimstone, etc.
I'm pulling landscape duty at the supply squadron building...up comes a staff car with a big eagle on the front, it was the SQ commander (Colonel) being dropped off back at his office by one of his peers after attending some meeting with the base commander. When the car pulled up, I threw down my rake and bag of trash and held a salute to the colonel as he walked by, and he returned it...I then went on my way raking and sweeping, the car drove off.
Next day, back at the fuels (POL) section my dispatch calls me in to tell me to get to the supply commanders office asap. Everyone just knew i was in big trouble.
I get to the colonel's office, walk in and report with a sharp salute. The colonel returns the salute and tosses me a new set of stripes, with one more than I currently had...told me what a fine job I was doing for him.
Seems I made him look good in front of his buddies..
1975, Norton AFB, I'm an E-2, been in less than 12 months....
The base commander had taken issue with the lack of respect the enlisteds/officers had in saluting flagged staff cars driving around the base, subsequently every commanders call had to address this issue over and over..ad nauseum.....threats..fire, brimstone, etc.
I'm pulling landscape duty at the supply squadron building...up comes a staff car with a big eagle on the front, it was the SQ commander (Colonel) being dropped off back at his office by one of his peers after attending some meeting with the base commander. When the car pulled up, I threw down my rake and bag of trash and held a salute to the colonel as he walked by, and he returned it...I then went on my way raking and sweeping, the car drove off.
Next day, back at the fuels (POL) section my dispatch calls me in to tell me to get to the supply commanders office asap. Everyone just knew i was in big trouble.
I get to the colonel's office, walk in and report with a sharp salute. The colonel returns the salute and tosses me a new set of stripes, with one more than I currently had...told me what a fine job I was doing for him.
Seems I made him look good in front of his buddies..
- Steve Butler
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Two Airmen walking towards the BX, see a Lt. coming towards them, and decide, how to escape saluting. If you're holding something in both hands, you don't have to salute, so one of them picked up then other & is carrying him, past the Lt.
The one who is being carried, has taken both the package he had, & the one the other airman had in his hands, so he can't salute, either.
THEY GET PAST THE LT. OK And think that they pulled off a "Good ONE".
However, the General of the Base had been observing the whole thing. Next morning he called them into his office. He asked them, "Do you think you pulled the wool over that Lt's Eyes?"
"Yes Sir, they both Replied"
"Well, you didn't, that Lt. is my son, and now knows what you pulled! He'll be looking to get even for the rest of your time on this base."
The airmen left, and The General's Secretary remarked, "General, You don't have a son stationed here!"
"I know it, you know it, but those TWO AIRMEN will be ducking that Lt, Every time they see him, & they'll have to come up with a different trick each time, and that should teach them something about "Leadership" If they survive until they get orders to leave, I might recommend them to OTS (Officer Trainig School) Then, they'll get a Real lesson is Saluting"
The one who is being carried, has taken both the package he had, & the one the other airman had in his hands, so he can't salute, either.
THEY GET PAST THE LT. OK And think that they pulled off a "Good ONE".
However, the General of the Base had been observing the whole thing. Next morning he called them into his office. He asked them, "Do you think you pulled the wool over that Lt's Eyes?"
"Yes Sir, they both Replied"
"Well, you didn't, that Lt. is my son, and now knows what you pulled! He'll be looking to get even for the rest of your time on this base."
The airmen left, and The General's Secretary remarked, "General, You don't have a son stationed here!"
"I know it, you know it, but those TWO AIRMEN will be ducking that Lt, Every time they see him, & they'll have to come up with a different trick each time, and that should teach them something about "Leadership" If they survive until they get orders to leave, I might recommend them to OTS (Officer Trainig School) Then, they'll get a Real lesson is Saluting"
- ROBERT GWIN
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When I was stationed in Crete, Greece it was not uncommon to see women topless at the beaches and lake. It was frowned upon by the military for military women to go topless. I would only do it at the pool at night.
Well, people from the base went to a water park for the day. While there, of course, almost all of the women were topless.
I said to my friend, "if I had known this was topless I could of only worn my bottoms."
From behind me I heard someone say "I don't think so, Petty Officer Cline."
I turned to look and it was the chaplain. We all got a good laugh at it.
Well, people from the base went to a water park for the day. While there, of course, almost all of the women were topless.
I said to my friend, "if I had known this was topless I could of only worn my bottoms."
From behind me I heard someone say "I don't think so, Petty Officer Cline."
I turned to look and it was the chaplain. We all got a good laugh at it.
- Luann Cline
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Navy Ranks made easy..
A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
The Chief replied, "It's history and tradition ...
First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
When you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
As a Captain you soar over military masses, hence the eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star.
Does that answer your question?"
"Yes," said the Ensign, "but what about Lieutenant Commanders and Commanders?"
"That goes waaaay back in history ... to the Garden of Eden even. You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."
The Chief replied, "It's history and tradition ...
First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
When you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
As a Captain you soar over military masses, hence the eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star.
Does that answer your question?"
"Yes," said the Ensign, "but what about Lieutenant Commanders and Commanders?"
"That goes waaaay back in history ... to the Garden of Eden even. You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."
- Andrew Drozd, GMSN
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A man walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on
display.
While he was there, a Chief Master Sergeant (C/MSgt) from the local air base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the CMSgt, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The C/MSgt paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the man went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a maintenance monkey. He can rig aircraft flight controls, score 95 on the AF CDC test; perform the duties of any MX officer with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money. The man spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The man looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000." The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world does it do?"
"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot!"
While he was there, a Chief Master Sergeant (C/MSgt) from the local air base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the CMSgt, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The C/MSgt paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the man went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a maintenance monkey. He can rig aircraft flight controls, score 95 on the AF CDC test; perform the duties of any MX officer with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money. The man spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The man looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000." The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world does it do?"
"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot!"
- Benjamin Nail B26 Sig Bn
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This guy would act like he was riding a bike everywhere he went, to the chow hall, he'd park it outside, after eating he'd come back out, put up the kick stand and off he'd go.
The BN C.O. watched him do this riding around the area for about two weeks. The C.O. set him up for a eval. figuring he is nuttier than a fruitcake.
As expected he rides in the room with his bike, puts the kick stand down and reports to the Medical Dicharge board.
The C.O. states the known facts about his bike riding. His NCOIC also tells the same story of the bike riding.
With that, the board makes their decision to discharge him. He stands up and is heading out the door, after they tell him he's discharged.
The board was watching and waiting for him to get on his bike to leave. As he has his hand on the doorknob to leave, Wait a mintute, aren't you forgeting something, asked the Senior member of the board.
Sir, responding to the question?
Your bike, aren't you fogetting your bike?
Oh that, I don't need it anymore, as he leaves the room.
The BN C.O. watched him do this riding around the area for about two weeks. The C.O. set him up for a eval. figuring he is nuttier than a fruitcake.
As expected he rides in the room with his bike, puts the kick stand down and reports to the Medical Dicharge board.
The C.O. states the known facts about his bike riding. His NCOIC also tells the same story of the bike riding.
With that, the board makes their decision to discharge him. He stands up and is heading out the door, after they tell him he's discharged.
The board was watching and waiting for him to get on his bike to leave. As he has his hand on the doorknob to leave, Wait a mintute, aren't you forgeting something, asked the Senior member of the board.
Sir, responding to the question?
Your bike, aren't you fogetting your bike?
Oh that, I don't need it anymore, as he leaves the room.
- Hap Smith
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While standing in the chow line, the Marine in front of me was asked by the cook how he would like his eggs.
The Marine replied "I want a few shells in my eggs, act like you are making them over easy, but break the yolks, and over cook'em. I'll run my toast trough the auto toasters 3 times and scrape off the char."
The cook looks puzzled at the guy, "What's the matter with you Mac?asks the cook.
"Oh, I'm just homesick," said the Marine.
The Marine replied "I want a few shells in my eggs, act like you are making them over easy, but break the yolks, and over cook'em. I'll run my toast trough the auto toasters 3 times and scrape off the char."
The cook looks puzzled at the guy, "What's the matter with you Mac?asks the cook.
"Oh, I'm just homesick," said the Marine.
- Hap Smith
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The United States Department of Defense just announced the formation of the USRSF - The US Redneck Special Forces - that will be comprised of 500 individuals.
The DOD has determined that these people will need no additional training but will be told the following about the terrorist in Iraq.
The season just opened:
- There is no hunting limit
- They taste like chicken
- They hate beer, pickup trucks, country music and Jesus
- They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for Dale Earnhardt's death.
The DOD expects they will complete their mission in approximately two weeks.
The DOD has determined that these people will need no additional training but will be told the following about the terrorist in Iraq.
The season just opened:
- There is no hunting limit
- They taste like chicken
- They hate beer, pickup trucks, country music and Jesus
- They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for Dale Earnhardt's death.
The DOD expects they will complete their mission in approximately two weeks.
- Johnny Williams
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During a battle a Private, a sergeant and a General were captured. They were to be executed the following morning.
The General said, "We must think of a way to escape."
The three of them thought all night about how to escape. The following morning the private was taken and placed in front of the fireing wall.
The firing squad commander said, "READY, AIM", the private yells, "EARTHQUAKE, EARTHQUAKE", everybody scatters and the private escapes.
The sergeant sees this and thinks, that's pretty smart, I'll have to think of something to. They bring him to the wall.
The commander says, "READY, AIM", the sergeant yell's, "FLOOD, FLOOD", everybody scatters and HE escapes.
The general see's this and he forms his plan. They come to get him and place him in front of the wall.
He has the biggest grin on his face. The commander shout's his orders. "READY, AIM", the General with his infinite wisdom shout's, "FIRE, FIIIIiiii".
The General said, "We must think of a way to escape."
The three of them thought all night about how to escape. The following morning the private was taken and placed in front of the fireing wall.
The firing squad commander said, "READY, AIM", the private yells, "EARTHQUAKE, EARTHQUAKE", everybody scatters and the private escapes.
The sergeant sees this and thinks, that's pretty smart, I'll have to think of something to. They bring him to the wall.
The commander says, "READY, AIM", the sergeant yell's, "FLOOD, FLOOD", everybody scatters and HE escapes.
The general see's this and he forms his plan. They come to get him and place him in front of the wall.
He has the biggest grin on his face. The commander shout's his orders. "READY, AIM", the General with his infinite wisdom shout's, "FIRE, FIIIIiiii".
- C.H. ABREGO
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True Story - Camp Grafton, ND.
Our National Guard Company was camped near the Sheyenne river during its annual 2 week training. Fresh water clams were discovered and the cooks whipped up a batch of clam chowder for the men to enjoy.
SGT. X missed evening chow due to some work that had to be completed. When Sgt. X returned to camp later that night he stopped by the mess to find the cook playing cards and enjoying the warm summer night.
Sgt. X asked, "is there any chow left",
"Oh sure, theres some clam chowder in the big soup kettle there, Help Yoursef!".
Sgt. x laddeled himself up some chowder and relished the wonderfully tasting chowder as he visited with the cooks playing cards.
"This sure is good chowder" he complimented the cooks. "There sure is alot of pepper in it though".
"That ain't pepper", replied one of the cooks. "those are sand flies".
Our National Guard Company was camped near the Sheyenne river during its annual 2 week training. Fresh water clams were discovered and the cooks whipped up a batch of clam chowder for the men to enjoy.
SGT. X missed evening chow due to some work that had to be completed. When Sgt. X returned to camp later that night he stopped by the mess to find the cook playing cards and enjoying the warm summer night.
Sgt. X asked, "is there any chow left",
"Oh sure, theres some clam chowder in the big soup kettle there, Help Yoursef!".
Sgt. x laddeled himself up some chowder and relished the wonderfully tasting chowder as he visited with the cooks playing cards.
"This sure is good chowder" he complimented the cooks. "There sure is alot of pepper in it though".
"That ain't pepper", replied one of the cooks. "those are sand flies".
- Brent Engelhart
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Elenor Roosevelt was touring the Pacific Islands during WW II, and came across the Unit Headquarters of a Marine Unit, to wit the unit's kitchen area. She noticed a large Marine stripped to his waist rolling bread dough down his chest onto the upper portion of his large stomach, and she said, "Isn't that a bit unsanitary?" To which the old Marine replied, "Shucks, lady you ought to be here on Thursday's when I make doughnuts!"
- Jesse F. Simmons, Jr.
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