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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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When I was in the service, a Brigadier General called me down for not saluting him.
He asked me if I noticed the one star on his shoulder.
I replied, "Ohm I thought it meant you had a son in the service."
He asked me if I noticed the one star on his shoulder.
I replied, "Ohm I thought it meant you had a son in the service."
- John Blaha
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A plane of paratroopers was getting ready to jump the jump master says after you jump count to four and pull your ripcord.
A person making his first junp says how how how fa fa far di di di did yo yo yo you sa sa say t t t to co co co count t t t to the jump master says one
A person making his first junp says how how how fa fa far di di di did yo yo yo you sa sa say t t t to co co co count t t t to the jump master says one
- stan leighton
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I was stationed at Ft Bragg, NC, in 1968 and heard this story several times, so it may have really gone the rounds there.
One day, a captain went to the main officers club to eat lunch. When he entered the main dining room, he found the place was quite crowded. He did notice three lieutenants sitting at a table with one empty chair, so he asked them if he could sit there, and they promptly invited him to join them. He ordered his lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate.
At one point, the captain mentioned that he had observed characteristics about officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how they had been commissioned.
The captain turned to the lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how the captain had noted this. The captain replied that the lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have an strong academic background and limited military experience.
The captain then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also asked how the captain had determined this. The captain said, again through his conversation, that the lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.
The lieutenant across the table from the captain asked if he had determined his source of commission. The captain replied that the lieutenant had graduated from West Point. The lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if the captain had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Military Academy. The captain replied that it was none of these that led to his determination. He had simply noted the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.
One day, a captain went to the main officers club to eat lunch. When he entered the main dining room, he found the place was quite crowded. He did notice three lieutenants sitting at a table with one empty chair, so he asked them if he could sit there, and they promptly invited him to join them. He ordered his lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate.
At one point, the captain mentioned that he had observed characteristics about officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how they had been commissioned.
The captain turned to the lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how the captain had noted this. The captain replied that the lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have an strong academic background and limited military experience.
The captain then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also asked how the captain had determined this. The captain said, again through his conversation, that the lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.
The lieutenant across the table from the captain asked if he had determined his source of commission. The captain replied that the lieutenant had graduated from West Point. The lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if the captain had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Military Academy. The captain replied that it was none of these that led to his determination. He had simply noted the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.
- John Manion
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Q:What is the difference between a Drill Sgt. & a Stage Coach Driver?
A: a Stage Coach driver only has 4 horses asses to look at!
- Wm.
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A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Navy Petty Officer from the local Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an Navy 1C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $1000." The Petty Officer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can fire expert with small arms, score 300 on the Navy Physical Fitness Test, and perform Drill & Ceremony and Small Unit Tactics with no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage "That one's even more expensive! $3,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a "Line Chief" monkey; it can instruct all levels of maintenance required on all military aircraft and even do some paperwork. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $5,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Fighter Pilot."
- Bill McDaniel USAF Ret
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Overheard in a Falluja hideout
1st-millitant)-acknad where is my kevlar head scarf? fetch it to me or i will carve you like camel dung!
2nd millitant)-hassan you little bitch! if that AH64A apache attack helicopter armed with laser designated hellfire missles, a 30mm cannon and hydra-70 rockets haden't pinned me under this rubble i would have turned into predator and killed all these infidels. and then skinned you like pig shit!
1st millitant)-acknad-if you haden't been jerking off and let your 7.62 go off they wouldn't have found us with their AN/TPQ-36 and shot my left leg off you maggott!!
2nd millitant)-hassan soon our whole army will be crushed like chipti so just lay there and die or i will beat the boushala out of you!!when atlast you close your eye's i will ripp the turbin off you're head and wipe my ass with it!!
1st millitant)-acknad- i think i am fading fast. remember our superior jahid training
1)if it dosen't move hide behind it
2)if it doe's move surrender to it
3)remember the only thing that is going to be HOLY when this is over is your uniform
4)never have drivers-ed and sex-ed on the same day. the camels can't handle it!!
5)a true friend stab's you in the front
6)mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure
7)team work is essential. it allows you to blame someone else
8)if you dont care where you are- you are not lost.
9)never give away you're position unless you really really have to have a smoke!!
10)make sure you have plenty decks of cards. so when the whole army is captured you can pass them around!!
2nd millitant)-hassan you little bitch! if that AH64A apache attack helicopter armed with laser designated hellfire missles, a 30mm cannon and hydra-70 rockets haden't pinned me under this rubble i would have turned into predator and killed all these infidels. and then skinned you like pig shit!
1st millitant)-acknad-if you haden't been jerking off and let your 7.62 go off they wouldn't have found us with their AN/TPQ-36 and shot my left leg off you maggott!!
2nd millitant)-hassan soon our whole army will be crushed like chipti so just lay there and die or i will beat the boushala out of you!!when atlast you close your eye's i will ripp the turbin off you're head and wipe my ass with it!!
1st millitant)-acknad- i think i am fading fast. remember our superior jahid training
1)if it dosen't move hide behind it
2)if it doe's move surrender to it
3)remember the only thing that is going to be HOLY when this is over is your uniform
4)never have drivers-ed and sex-ed on the same day. the camels can't handle it!!
5)a true friend stab's you in the front
6)mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure
7)team work is essential. it allows you to blame someone else
8)if you dont care where you are- you are not lost.
9)never give away you're position unless you really really have to have a smoke!!
10)make sure you have plenty decks of cards. so when the whole army is captured you can pass them around!!
- steven a dixon
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This is a story I got from NASA. It may be true:
After Neil Armstrong had finished his mission on the moon with Apollo 11, he began to go through the departure with ground control. After getting through with that, he softly said, "Good luck Mr. Grozney".
Not many people heard it, but those that did, inquired about who Mr. Grozney was. Niel didn't answer. Much research into who Mr. Grozney was done, but the search turned up nothing.
Many years later, Niel Armstrong was finishing up an event, when a reporter asked him the 26 year old question.
"Well", Niel answered, "I guess it dosn't matter anymore because Mr. Grozney has passed away. When I was a kid and playing baseball with my friends, the ball got hit over into Mr. Grozney's yard. As I went to retrieve it by the bedroom window, I heard Mrs. Grozney loudly say: 'ORAL SEX? You'll get ORAL SEX when that Armstrong kid nextdoor walks on the MOON!'"
After Neil Armstrong had finished his mission on the moon with Apollo 11, he began to go through the departure with ground control. After getting through with that, he softly said, "Good luck Mr. Grozney".
Not many people heard it, but those that did, inquired about who Mr. Grozney was. Niel didn't answer. Much research into who Mr. Grozney was done, but the search turned up nothing.
Many years later, Niel Armstrong was finishing up an event, when a reporter asked him the 26 year old question.
"Well", Niel answered, "I guess it dosn't matter anymore because Mr. Grozney has passed away. When I was a kid and playing baseball with my friends, the ball got hit over into Mr. Grozney's yard. As I went to retrieve it by the bedroom window, I heard Mrs. Grozney loudly say: 'ORAL SEX? You'll get ORAL SEX when that Armstrong kid nextdoor walks on the MOON!'"
- Richard Links, USAF vet
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True Story
I was in the Air Force for 30 years. One of my assignments was to Fort Riley, KS, providing close air support for the 1st Infantry Division. In 1979 we went to Germany to participate in the REFORGER exercise.
Two of my guys were walking up a dirt road when an Army sergeant sitting in a M-60A1 tank turrent hatch said, "Hey, you guys are Air Force!"
One of the replied back, "Yes, we are."
The sergeant then asked, "What it took to become a pilot."
The reply was, "First you need a college degree."
The sergeant gasped and said, "I better hurry up and pass my GED."
One of my guys asked, "Have you taken it?"
The sergeant said, "Yes, six times and I would've passed it the last time but they changed the test on me."
I was in the Air Force for 30 years. One of my assignments was to Fort Riley, KS, providing close air support for the 1st Infantry Division. In 1979 we went to Germany to participate in the REFORGER exercise.
Two of my guys were walking up a dirt road when an Army sergeant sitting in a M-60A1 tank turrent hatch said, "Hey, you guys are Air Force!"
One of the replied back, "Yes, we are."
The sergeant then asked, "What it took to become a pilot."
The reply was, "First you need a college degree."
The sergeant gasped and said, "I better hurry up and pass my GED."
One of my guys asked, "Have you taken it?"
The sergeant said, "Yes, six times and I would've passed it the last time but they changed the test on me."
- Charlie R. Hopkins, CMSgt (Ret), USAF
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It was early morning June 6th 1944.
I was ordered by General Eisenhower to radio Nazi artillery bunkers and keep them talking so the gunners on the naval ships could zero in and blast them. I was only a little kid,just commissioned by the General that morning on the battlefield,and I spoke German fluently.
I radioed the first bunker and demanded in a gruff voice that they give me their co-ordinates. The person on the other end told me to hold the line and a short time later gave me their co-ordinate. The naval guns blasted them I radioed another bunker with the same line. This person hesitated for a while,asked me a few question then refused.The naval guns had time to locate them and blasted them also.
The third one I radioed was very co-operative and smooth,asked me to hold for a while and then gave me co-ordinates.laughing.
The naval gunners phoned the General back telling him the co-ordinates were for the city of London.
In the meantime the gunners had the real co-ordinates,and you know, we had the last laugh.
We all thought it was funny at the time.Don't know why.Ha.Ha.Ha.
I was ordered by General Eisenhower to radio Nazi artillery bunkers and keep them talking so the gunners on the naval ships could zero in and blast them. I was only a little kid,just commissioned by the General that morning on the battlefield,and I spoke German fluently.
I radioed the first bunker and demanded in a gruff voice that they give me their co-ordinates. The person on the other end told me to hold the line and a short time later gave me their co-ordinate. The naval guns blasted them I radioed another bunker with the same line. This person hesitated for a while,asked me a few question then refused.The naval guns had time to locate them and blasted them also.
The third one I radioed was very co-operative and smooth,asked me to hold for a while and then gave me co-ordinates.laughing.
The naval gunners phoned the General back telling him the co-ordinates were for the city of London.
In the meantime the gunners had the real co-ordinates,and you know, we had the last laugh.
We all thought it was funny at the time.Don't know why.Ha.Ha.Ha.
- wiliam windsor
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During an Airman's first day in basic training he was walking along. A second Leiutenant came from the opposite direction and the ariman failed to salute the officer.
The officer called him back to the Airman to chew him out, "Airman," he said, "how long have you been this AirForce?!"
The Airman replied, "All day sir."
The officer called him back to the Airman to chew him out, "Airman," he said, "how long have you been this AirForce?!"
The Airman replied, "All day sir."
- costa piperakis
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One night Private Barnes was walking down the railroad tracks after drinking in town, trying to find his way back to the barracks. When he comes across an arm with a tattoo, he drunkenly says, "damn that looks like Sergeant Johnson's arm!"
A couple of hundred feet further he comes up on a leg and says, "damn, that looks like Johnson's leg!"
Further up Private Barnes sees a head, "Gosh Darn, Sergeant Johnson, Are you hurt?!"
A couple of hundred feet further he comes up on a leg and says, "damn, that looks like Johnson's leg!"
Further up Private Barnes sees a head, "Gosh Darn, Sergeant Johnson, Are you hurt?!"
- Brad Andersen
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One morning at PT, First Sergeant told the maintenance section that we had a new motor sergeant and he will be in the motorpool at 0830.
We reported to the motorpool at 0830 to find the new motor sergeant not there. I decide to grab a snack from the snack machine when he walked in.
He stood there looking at me with this angry expression on his face, which scared me a little. I grab my snacks and walked into his office. We then heard loud bangs and yelling outside.
We all ran out of the office to find the new motor sergeant punching and kicking the snack machine. I asked him, "Sergeant, what's the problem?"
Looking disturbed and confused, he turned and asked, "are the snacks in this machine free or do you have to put money in it?"
I looked around to keep from laughting and replied, "Sergeant, you have to wait until you take the pt test to get your pin number."
We reported to the motorpool at 0830 to find the new motor sergeant not there. I decide to grab a snack from the snack machine when he walked in.
He stood there looking at me with this angry expression on his face, which scared me a little. I grab my snacks and walked into his office. We then heard loud bangs and yelling outside.
We all ran out of the office to find the new motor sergeant punching and kicking the snack machine. I asked him, "Sergeant, what's the problem?"
Looking disturbed and confused, he turned and asked, "are the snacks in this machine free or do you have to put money in it?"
I looked around to keep from laughting and replied, "Sergeant, you have to wait until you take the pt test to get your pin number."
- keyes
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True Story
While stationed at Ft Bragg Army Airfield as an a/c inspector, a friend's wife came (both avid bird hunters) to pick him up.
A company was having a fly-by. His wife looked up and said, "Look honey! There's a whole flock of them."
While stationed at Ft Bragg Army Airfield as an a/c inspector, a friend's wife came (both avid bird hunters) to pick him up.
A company was having a fly-by. His wife looked up and said, "Look honey! There's a whole flock of them."
- bob samples (RET. ARMY SFC)
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Private Snuffy was in his garden filling in a hole when a General passing by in his staff car peered out the window and was interested in what the Private was doing. The General exited the vehicle and asked Private Snuffy "Are you practicing your foxhole digging skills?"
"No sir, my goldfish died," replied the Private without looking up, "and I've just buried him".
The General was moved by the soldier's emotions and asked, "Why is the hole so big for a goldfish?"
Private Snuffy, as he patted down the last pile of earth said, "Sir, my goldfish is buried inside your dog!"
"No sir, my goldfish died," replied the Private without looking up, "and I've just buried him".
The General was moved by the soldier's emotions and asked, "Why is the hole so big for a goldfish?"
Private Snuffy, as he patted down the last pile of earth said, "Sir, my goldfish is buried inside your dog!"
- roger l. kehrier
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An Retired Veteran living in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and an American Flag blowing from atop a tall pole. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old Veteran decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old Veteran frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked." Holding the bucket up he smiled and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the Story: Old Veterans can still think fast to get their way.
One evening the old Veteran decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old Veteran frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked." Holding the bucket up he smiled and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the Story: Old Veterans can still think fast to get their way.
- John S
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