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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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My LPO were having a discussion regarading wether or not Women should sationed on them like I was on The Eisenhower.
I disagreed,and he replied "What would you do If we took a torpeda."
I replied I would do everything I was trained to do and shore up the damage with whatever was available."
He looked at me dumbfounded and then retorted "Would you be capable of using my dead body?"
I smiled and said "With pleasure"
I disagreed,and he replied "What would you do If we took a torpeda."
I replied I would do everything I was trained to do and shore up the damage with whatever was available."
He looked at me dumbfounded and then retorted "Would you be capable of using my dead body?"
I smiled and said "With pleasure"
- Tara Gragg
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Q. How does A MARINE play Bingo in Iraq'?"
A. B-2 F -16 M -16
A. B-2 F -16 M -16
- Amy Pridgen
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A brand new 2nd Lt. was taking a walk through BOQ. He spotted a young boy reaching for the doorbell of the General's front door, but he was too short to reach it.
The Lt. helped the boy by ringing the bell. The boy laughed and said, "Now, let's run!"
The Lt. helped the boy by ringing the bell. The boy laughed and said, "Now, let's run!"
- Bill Bryan
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While getting myteeth worked on at the VA hospital, I heard the dentists talking about a memo they got in concerning a marine in Iraq.
It seems this marine sgt. was on patrol and he turned a corner of a building and there was an Iraqi soldier with a pistol aimed at his head. The Iraqi fired and then amazed he threw his gun down and surrendered. He wondered what supermen these marines are, where a point blank shot does not fell a marine. The sgt. went back to his unit and smiled to his men and revealed his #8 front tooth missing.
It seems the Iraqi didn't miss, but blew out his tooth. Still proving marines are supermen, or at least their teeth are.
It seems this marine sgt. was on patrol and he turned a corner of a building and there was an Iraqi soldier with a pistol aimed at his head. The Iraqi fired and then amazed he threw his gun down and surrendered. He wondered what supermen these marines are, where a point blank shot does not fell a marine. The sgt. went back to his unit and smiled to his men and revealed his #8 front tooth missing.
It seems the Iraqi didn't miss, but blew out his tooth. Still proving marines are supermen, or at least their teeth are.
- Joel Weiss
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There was a Navy Seal and an Army Ranger and a Marine. They we're on a recon mission and the Navy Seal gave away they're position and were all captured by a cannibalistic tribe. The chief of the tribe came to them and said I will let you decide how you will leave this world but know this I will use your skin to make my canoe.
Well the Seal comes up and pulls out his trusty knife and stabs himself. The tribe yells in excitement and hangs his skin out to dry.
The Army Ranger is next he pulls out his .45 and shoots himself the tribe again goes crazy and does the same to him as they did the Seal.
Well the Marine is next he asks for a fork and goes into the bushes two hours later the chief goes to check on the Marine. And finds the Marine stabbing himself with the fork making little holes in his skin.
The chief asks what he is doing and the Marine replies, "I'm ruining your canoe".
Well the Seal comes up and pulls out his trusty knife and stabs himself. The tribe yells in excitement and hangs his skin out to dry.
The Army Ranger is next he pulls out his .45 and shoots himself the tribe again goes crazy and does the same to him as they did the Seal.
Well the Marine is next he asks for a fork and goes into the bushes two hours later the chief goes to check on the Marine. And finds the Marine stabbing himself with the fork making little holes in his skin.
The chief asks what he is doing and the Marine replies, "I'm ruining your canoe".
- mike vukich
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While stationed at Naval Training Center, San Diego, I arranged tours for high school teachers so that they would be able to suggest to students to join the Navy.
While, the Commanding Officer of Service School Command was giving her presentation, a mouse ran accross the stage. She remarked "I can assure you, it is not one of ours."
While, the Commanding Officer of Service School Command was giving her presentation, a mouse ran accross the stage. She remarked "I can assure you, it is not one of ours."
- Jan Grimm
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One of my fellow recruits at Marine boot camp looked extremely young.
During inspection our drill instructor asked him,
"Does your mother know you're in the Marine Corps?"
"Yes, sir!" replied the recruit.
"Does she know you're staying overnight?"
During inspection our drill instructor asked him,
"Does your mother know you're in the Marine Corps?"
"Yes, sir!" replied the recruit.
"Does she know you're staying overnight?"
- SSG Antonia
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In Vietnam, powdered Kool Aid was used to mask the taste of the disinfection tablets used in our canteens. Opening a packet of grape Kool Aid, I found it to be empty.
So having more time on my hands then I should have, I wrote to General Foods, Inc. and indicted my disappointment in opening an empty packet.
General Foods being in full support of the troops sent me a full case of Kool Aid.
When I presented the case of Kool Aid to my squad and they immediately shouted, "Let's write to Budweiser!"
So having more time on my hands then I should have, I wrote to General Foods, Inc. and indicted my disappointment in opening an empty packet.
General Foods being in full support of the troops sent me a full case of Kool Aid.
When I presented the case of Kool Aid to my squad and they immediately shouted, "Let's write to Budweiser!"
- Ruben Duran
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An armless visited a bar, fortunately he pushed the door open. He ordered a beer and was served. He asked the bartender if he might hold the glass so he could drink the beer. The bartender seeinf the man's condition helped him. He thanked him then asked if he could get his handercheif from his right pocket and his wallet from the left. the bartender did both and took the money to pay for the beer. then as requested wiped the vets mouth off with the handerchief. The vet thanked the bartender for all his help and apologized for his condition and need of help.the barender said he was only to glad he could help the vet.
the vet then asked the bartender where the restrooms were? The bartender replied two blocks north and one block west....
the vet then asked the bartender where the restrooms were? The bartender replied two blocks north and one block west....
- Jack Doyle
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The Air Force sends new recruits to the supply room for prop wash. Other services send them to pick up an "ID ten T" (When written out = "ID10T"). The Army signal corps had "grid leak." For those of you that grew up with semiconductors, grid leak referred to biasing a vacuum tube from the signal driving the grid. Purely an electrical term.
Now, back to Manzarali Station (near Ankara, Turkey) 1964. An HF transmitter was leaking oil from the power transformer. Solution: place pan to catch the drip. An officer happened to notice the pan and asked what it was for.
EM: To catch the grid leak, Sir.
LT: OK, just don't let it get on the floor.
Several days later, the IG inspection. By now drip had been repaired. However, LT draws the IG over to the transmitter and proudly explains how there had been a grid leak problem, but the men had done an excellent job of cleaning it up.
IG gave the LT a 5-second blank stare!
Now, back to Manzarali Station (near Ankara, Turkey) 1964. An HF transmitter was leaking oil from the power transformer. Solution: place pan to catch the drip. An officer happened to notice the pan and asked what it was for.
EM: To catch the grid leak, Sir.
LT: OK, just don't let it get on the floor.
Several days later, the IG inspection. By now drip had been repaired. However, LT draws the IG over to the transmitter and proudly explains how there had been a grid leak problem, but the men had done an excellent job of cleaning it up.
IG gave the LT a 5-second blank stare!
- D Waite
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"True Happening"
In 1945,our antique destroyer was on a night training cruise. We were supposed to try to evade being discovered by torpedo bombers from the nearby Naval Air Training Station. The planes would fly over and drop parachute flares to to try to locate us.
Most of the flares were plain white light but occasionaly there would be a colored one. The look outs were supposed to report the flares upon seeing them.
One night, there was a Blue flare and the sean on bridge lookout, was staring at it through his binoculars, but had not reported it. The "skipper" or "old man" as we all called him, asked the lookout," Didn't you see that flare"?
To which the seaman replied:"Yes Sir, That was a pretty one wasn't it?"
In 1945,our antique destroyer was on a night training cruise. We were supposed to try to evade being discovered by torpedo bombers from the nearby Naval Air Training Station. The planes would fly over and drop parachute flares to to try to locate us.
Most of the flares were plain white light but occasionaly there would be a colored one. The look outs were supposed to report the flares upon seeing them.
One night, there was a Blue flare and the sean on bridge lookout, was staring at it through his binoculars, but had not reported it. The "skipper" or "old man" as we all called him, asked the lookout," Didn't you see that flare"?
To which the seaman replied:"Yes Sir, That was a pretty one wasn't it?"
- Richard O.Goodson
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Joke from my Army days:
On his first day of duty at the main gate, this young soldier salutes everyone coming in. His mean looking Sergeant asks him, "Soldier! has the Colonel arrived?"
The young soldier replies, "No sir, I haven't seen him."
Ten minutes later the same story.
The Sergeant was getting nervous, obviously not happy.
30 minutes later a man shows up at the gate in civilian clothes and stops by the soldier expecting to be saluted.
"What are you doing? You cannot stay here!," says the soldier.
"I am the Colonel," answers the man.
The young soldier replies, "Oh, Boy are you in trouble!, the sergeant will probably put you in the kitchen for a week, he's been looking for you for at least one hour!"
On his first day of duty at the main gate, this young soldier salutes everyone coming in. His mean looking Sergeant asks him, "Soldier! has the Colonel arrived?"
The young soldier replies, "No sir, I haven't seen him."
Ten minutes later the same story.
The Sergeant was getting nervous, obviously not happy.
30 minutes later a man shows up at the gate in civilian clothes and stops by the soldier expecting to be saluted.
"What are you doing? You cannot stay here!," says the soldier.
"I am the Colonel," answers the man.
The young soldier replies, "Oh, Boy are you in trouble!, the sergeant will probably put you in the kitchen for a week, he's been looking for you for at least one hour!"
- diogo s monteiro
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True Story
While attached to a SEABEE Battalion morning routine was to forn up every morning. The S-3 would call the battalion to order when the CO would approach. On Apr 1st, as the CO was approaching S-3 called the battalion to attention. We had been briefed by the XO when this happened the whole battalion would answer "WHAT?". Well S-3 didn't know what to do as the CO starting laughing along with the rest of us.
While attached to a SEABEE Battalion morning routine was to forn up every morning. The S-3 would call the battalion to order when the CO would approach. On Apr 1st, as the CO was approaching S-3 called the battalion to attention. We had been briefed by the XO when this happened the whole battalion would answer "WHAT?". Well S-3 didn't know what to do as the CO starting laughing along with the rest of us.
- PETE
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While I was a Navy recruiter in the 1960's an Army recruiter told me the following story and swore it was true.
A prospective recruit who lived out in the country came in to see him one day. While interviewing the young man, the recruiter asked how far he went in school. The young man replied, "About two miles."
the recruiter said, " No, I meant how high did you go?" The reply was "Well, it only had two stories."
A prospective recruit who lived out in the country came in to see him one day. While interviewing the young man, the recruiter asked how far he went in school. The young man replied, "About two miles."
the recruiter said, " No, I meant how high did you go?" The reply was "Well, it only had two stories."
- James E. Woodson
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While I was stationed on the USS Independance, shortly after she was commissioned, and old First Class Petty Officer was invited out to the parking lot to see a friend's new Volkswagon.
After observing the new VW, he very seriously asked his friend, "Where's the other one?"
His friend replied, "What do you mean, 'Where's the other one?'"
To which the old First Class calmly replied, "They gave you one for each foot didn't they?"
After observing the new VW, he very seriously asked his friend, "Where's the other one?"
His friend replied, "What do you mean, 'Where's the other one?'"
To which the old First Class calmly replied, "They gave you one for each foot didn't they?"
- James E. Woodson
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