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MILITARY JOKES
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A Marine went to a Navy dental call for three fillings one morning just before mail call. The Naval officer very carefully clip a rubber dam inside the Marines mouth and very gently drilled three holes in three teeth.
A mail clerk had just drop off a letter the dentist was expecting. He eagerly opened the letter and after reading it he started cussing that blank blank blank C.O. has cancled my orders to the Philippines. He was yelling this over and over.
The assistant Corpman said to the dental officer what about the Marine in the chair. The officer said give me that blank blank blank tool and started jamming stuff very hard in the Marines teeth. The Marine grabbed the arms of the dental chair as if he was blasting off for the moon. The Marine screamed in pain as the officer ripped the rubber dam from the marines mouth and said you can go now. As the Marine departed the dental room he saw a very long line in the outer hall waiting for dental call. The Marine gave them all a very big painful smile as he heard the very arrant dental officer yelling in a loud mean voice saying "NEXT"!!!
- Donald Ray
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True story:
After six years as an enlisted man I went to OCS. A week prior to graduation I got my last head shaving with a grizzled former WWII Marine Barber.
He pumped me up by saying: "Just think, in a week you will be a 2LT!!" and with perfect timing he reeled me in with: "And in two years you'll be an Officer." so true...
After six years as an enlisted man I went to OCS. A week prior to graduation I got my last head shaving with a grizzled former WWII Marine Barber.
He pumped me up by saying: "Just think, in a week you will be a 2LT!!" and with perfect timing he reeled me in with: "And in two years you'll be an Officer." so true...
- Lonmedic
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An old-time Master Sgt. was retiring after 30 years with a parade.
He walked over to a Private, one he had been especially hard on, and said, "Well, Private, I'll bet you're glad to see me go. I guess now, you'll just wait for me to die so you can dance on my grave".
The private replied, "No Sir. When I get out of this man's Army, I ain't never standing in another line".
He walked over to a Private, one he had been especially hard on, and said, "Well, Private, I'll bet you're glad to see me go. I guess now, you'll just wait for me to die so you can dance on my grave".
The private replied, "No Sir. When I get out of this man's Army, I ain't never standing in another line".
- Milbourne Whitt
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Second Lieutenant Genevieve Jones was in the Army only three weeks having just graduated her nurses training. She was on a troop ship during the Korean War going from San Francisco to Alaska. When she arrived at the Alaskan port all the passengers' foot lockers came up from the hold in a large net except one.
The remaining foot locker was carefully taken from the hold alone and softly settled on the loading pier. On it was the name "Lt Gen Jones".
(This actually happened with a nurse with a different last name)
(This actually happened with a nurse with a different last name)
- Ben Ostrofsky
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An Army Second Lieutenant is driving down the road very upset, almost to the brink of tears. His commander had called him a dumb "butter bar" and told him to take the rest of the day off.
As he was driving, he saw another Second Lieutenant in an open field, rowing a boat. He immediately stops the car and yells, "It's Lieutenants like you that give the rest of us a bad name. If I could swim I'd swim out there and beat your ass."
As he was driving, he saw another Second Lieutenant in an open field, rowing a boat. He immediately stops the car and yells, "It's Lieutenants like you that give the rest of us a bad name. If I could swim I'd swim out there and beat your ass."
- William
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Ok, how about a true story. I was in Navy Boot Camp in Orlando. We were all home-sick, and in desperate need of cheering up.
My mother (God Bless her soul), she's a good woman, but there are certain things that she just doesn't understand, like, for example: Military addresses.
Eighty three of my best friends and I were in the Company on a Saturday when time came for mail-call. We were opening our letters and reading them to each other, and I was dreading my turn...you see, I know how my mother is...
My turn finally came, and I quote:
"Dear Tracy, I called the Base Commander and got your address from him, a really nice young man by the way. He said that if I wrote you at this address, you'd get the letter, but I wasn't sure I had it right, so if this isn't the right address and you don't get this letter, please write me back with the right one so I can resend your letter. Love MOM."
Even the CC's got a good laugh out of that !!
My mother (God Bless her soul), she's a good woman, but there are certain things that she just doesn't understand, like, for example: Military addresses.
Eighty three of my best friends and I were in the Company on a Saturday when time came for mail-call. We were opening our letters and reading them to each other, and I was dreading my turn...you see, I know how my mother is...
My turn finally came, and I quote:
"Dear Tracy, I called the Base Commander and got your address from him, a really nice young man by the way. He said that if I wrote you at this address, you'd get the letter, but I wasn't sure I had it right, so if this isn't the right address and you don't get this letter, please write me back with the right one so I can resend your letter. Love MOM."
Even the CC's got a good laugh out of that !!
- Tracy Painter
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The Young Lieutenant - True Story
While stationed at George AFB. Myself and a group of friends were walking to the PX. As we approached we noticed a young Lieutenant approaching with a group of his friends. So we offered the customary salute.
I guess he wasn't satisfied with one of my friend's salute and promptly chewed him out and ordered him to give him 100 salutes -- which my friend began executing at once.
After the second salute with no response from the young LT, I respectfully pointed out to the LT that he is required to return each salute.
The LT ordered me to keep quite and for him to proceed.
Without any of us knowing, our Squadron Commander was watching the whole thing. After another salute the Commander came over and ordered the LT to return every salute in proper military fashion
And with every salute my friend's smile got bigger and bigger!!!
Hats off to the older wiser brass.
While stationed at George AFB. Myself and a group of friends were walking to the PX. As we approached we noticed a young Lieutenant approaching with a group of his friends. So we offered the customary salute.
I guess he wasn't satisfied with one of my friend's salute and promptly chewed him out and ordered him to give him 100 salutes -- which my friend began executing at once.
After the second salute with no response from the young LT, I respectfully pointed out to the LT that he is required to return each salute.
The LT ordered me to keep quite and for him to proceed.
Without any of us knowing, our Squadron Commander was watching the whole thing. After another salute the Commander came over and ordered the LT to return every salute in proper military fashion
And with every salute my friend's smile got bigger and bigger!!!
Hats off to the older wiser brass.
- Robby Gammel
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Did you hear about the Karate expert from Kentucky who was drafted into the Army?
Being the 7th degree Black Belt that he was .. the 1st time he saluted he killed himself!
Being the 7th degree Black Belt that he was .. the 1st time he saluted he killed himself!
- Jim Heidorn Indiana
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While waiting in line at the MCAS El Toro chow hall, I notice a very large cockroach crawling across a large mess pan of mash potatoes. By the time I moved up the line and it was my turn to order, the cockroach had buried himself in the mash potatoes.
I told the Corporal serving the food, that I wanted the chicken dinner with no mash potates.
He stuck the spoon deep in the mash potatoe and slamed the mash potatoes on my tray. He then said with a smile, "Where do you think you are PFC, Kentucky fried chicken"
I told the Corporal serving the food, that I wanted the chicken dinner with no mash potates.
He stuck the spoon deep in the mash potatoe and slamed the mash potatoes on my tray. He then said with a smile, "Where do you think you are PFC, Kentucky fried chicken"
- Donald Ray
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Based on a true story;
I carried the newspaper clipping from the JaxNC Daily News for several years until it disintegrated. A young Marine, who did not own a vehicle, was thumbing a ride on Highway 17 into town at Jacksonville, NC. He wasn't having much luck in getting a ride. He then saw a hearse pull into a gas station nearby and the driver got out and went into the restroom.
The young Marine walked up to the passenger sitting in the front seat of the hearse and asked if he could catch a ride in town.
The passenger told him he could, but he would have to ride in the back with the body in a casket; there was a small folding seat that he could sit on. He did so.
Moments later, the driver came out from the restroom and continued driving into town. The passenger never told the driver that a hitchhiker was sitting in the back on the jumpseat.
Moments later, the Marine slid back the sliding glass window and asked if he could smoke back there. The driver of the hearse wrecked into the ditch.
I carried the newspaper clipping from the JaxNC Daily News for several years until it disintegrated. A young Marine, who did not own a vehicle, was thumbing a ride on Highway 17 into town at Jacksonville, NC. He wasn't having much luck in getting a ride. He then saw a hearse pull into a gas station nearby and the driver got out and went into the restroom.
The young Marine walked up to the passenger sitting in the front seat of the hearse and asked if he could catch a ride in town.
The passenger told him he could, but he would have to ride in the back with the body in a casket; there was a small folding seat that he could sit on. He did so.
Moments later, the driver came out from the restroom and continued driving into town. The passenger never told the driver that a hitchhiker was sitting in the back on the jumpseat.
Moments later, the Marine slid back the sliding glass window and asked if he could smoke back there. The driver of the hearse wrecked into the ditch.
- George
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A man was talking to St.Peter trying to get into heaven St. Peter told him it was very hard to get into heaven and asked the man if has done any good deeds. the man said yes and told St Peter that one time he saw some big bikers harassing an old lady. When he asked them to stop they just laughed and continued on . He said he walked over to where their choppers were parked and knocked them over so they would leave her alone and go after him. St. Peter said my my that was a very good deed. When did this happened he asked. The man said" OH ABOUT 2 SECONDS AGO!!!
- Gilbert Gonzalez
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The old Chief Petty Officer climbed the gangway and saluted the Officer Of The Day. As was required, in those days, He reported with Rank, Specialty and name.
"Chief Kooshmaker Jones reporting sir. " he said with a salute.
The young officer thought to himself, what is a Kooshmaker. Not wishing to be thought stupid, he answered, "Welcome aboard Chief. I want you to meet the exec officer. "
He thought to himself, the exec would certainly know and off they went to the exec's quarters. "Commander" the young officer said to the exec, "Chief Kooshmaker Jones has just reported. . "
The exec was puzzled but it seemed the young officer knew what a kooshmaker was and not wishing to admit it he replied"Welcome Chief. You must meet the Captain. " The entourage proceeded up to the bridge and the exec presented Chief Kooshmaker Jones. The Captain, like the others, was baffled but he did not reach his position by being dense, so he remarked "Welcome Chief. You tell us what you need in shop size and equipment and the Shops Officer will provide it. Now next saturday we are having an inspection on deck and you can demostrate the first product from your shop. "
The Chief set out and obtained the shop, ordered material, locked the doors and went to hammering and welding.
Saturday arrived and the product was on a tripod. It consisted of tubing and cylinders and the odd thing was that it was white hot.
"Men'" the Captain announced, "This is the first product from the Kooshmaker shop. Chief would you mind demostrating how it works. "
"Gladly. " said the Chief as he picked up a huge pair of tongs and locked them around the object. He picked it up and staggered to the rail, then released the tongs. As the object struck the water it went. KOOOOSH
"Chief Kooshmaker Jones reporting sir. " he said with a salute.
The young officer thought to himself, what is a Kooshmaker. Not wishing to be thought stupid, he answered, "Welcome aboard Chief. I want you to meet the exec officer. "
He thought to himself, the exec would certainly know and off they went to the exec's quarters. "Commander" the young officer said to the exec, "Chief Kooshmaker Jones has just reported. . "
The exec was puzzled but it seemed the young officer knew what a kooshmaker was and not wishing to admit it he replied"Welcome Chief. You must meet the Captain. " The entourage proceeded up to the bridge and the exec presented Chief Kooshmaker Jones. The Captain, like the others, was baffled but he did not reach his position by being dense, so he remarked "Welcome Chief. You tell us what you need in shop size and equipment and the Shops Officer will provide it. Now next saturday we are having an inspection on deck and you can demostrate the first product from your shop. "
The Chief set out and obtained the shop, ordered material, locked the doors and went to hammering and welding.
Saturday arrived and the product was on a tripod. It consisted of tubing and cylinders and the odd thing was that it was white hot.
"Men'" the Captain announced, "This is the first product from the Kooshmaker shop. Chief would you mind demostrating how it works. "
"Gladly. " said the Chief as he picked up a huge pair of tongs and locked them around the object. He picked it up and staggered to the rail, then released the tongs. As the object struck the water it went. KOOOOSH
- Harry Cannaday
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There was a millitary accident in Washington D.C. today!
A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two cornells
A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two cornells
- Raindancer
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What do you call a Sailor mixing morter in a wheelbarrel with a pitchfork?
They call hi a Morter Forker HA HA
They call hi a Morter Forker HA HA
- jerry bullock
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There was once a religious man who was very fond
of God.
One day there was a giant flood and an Army Ranger came to rescue him saying, "sir,please come with me or you will surely drown".
The man replied,"no, I believe in God and i know that HE will rescue me."
As the water got much deeper,a U.S. Marine chopper flew over and a Marine yelled to him, "jump on or you will drown."
Again the man replied, "no, I believe in God and I know HE will rescue me."
Soon the water was up to his nose and a Navy Seal came on a boat and said, "jump in or else!"
Again the man said, "no, I believe in God and i know HE will rescue me."
Finally, an Air Force jet appeared and over the loud roar a voice said, "sir, if you don't grab on to our rope,YOU WILL DROWN!
Sure enough,the man drowns. As he get's to the pearly gates of heaven he sees God and say's, "what happened? I am a very devoted person towards you and YOU let me drown? Why didn't you save me?!"
And God replied, "You idiot! I did try to save you! I sent the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines! How do you think they found you? An act of God, perhaps?"
One day there was a giant flood and an Army Ranger came to rescue him saying, "sir,please come with me or you will surely drown".
The man replied,"no, I believe in God and i know that HE will rescue me."
As the water got much deeper,a U.S. Marine chopper flew over and a Marine yelled to him, "jump on or you will drown."
Again the man replied, "no, I believe in God and I know HE will rescue me."
Soon the water was up to his nose and a Navy Seal came on a boat and said, "jump in or else!"
Again the man said, "no, I believe in God and i know HE will rescue me."
Finally, an Air Force jet appeared and over the loud roar a voice said, "sir, if you don't grab on to our rope,YOU WILL DROWN!
Sure enough,the man drowns. As he get's to the pearly gates of heaven he sees God and say's, "what happened? I am a very devoted person towards you and YOU let me drown? Why didn't you save me?!"
And God replied, "You idiot! I did try to save you! I sent the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines! How do you think they found you? An act of God, perhaps?"
- joseph lira
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