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MILITARY JOKES
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Maintenance Write-Ups
AF Form 781 is aboard all Air Force aircraft to record any malfunctions so maintenance personnel can fix the problem before the next flight. Here are some of the problems (P) as posted by the aircrews and solutions (S) of the maintenance personnel to clear the write-up:
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, but autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal, other three propeller lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in the cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in the cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) Distance Measuring Equipment (DME) volume unbelieveably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believeable level.
(P) Autopilot in "altitude hold" mode produces 200 fpm decent.
(S) Could not duplicate on the ground.
(P) Dead bugs on windscreen
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what its there for.
(P) #3 engine missing.
(S) #3 engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed target radar to sing.
Personal Story: One night, with maintenance problems still unsolved and a late takeoff eminent, I got a little pushy with a young maintainer. With a grin, his response was, "Sir, machinery just doesn't respond to intense hatred."
AF Form 781 is aboard all Air Force aircraft to record any malfunctions so maintenance personnel can fix the problem before the next flight. Here are some of the problems (P) as posted by the aircrews and solutions (S) of the maintenance personnel to clear the write-up:
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, but autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal, other three propeller lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in the cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in the cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) Distance Measuring Equipment (DME) volume unbelieveably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believeable level.
(P) Autopilot in "altitude hold" mode produces 200 fpm decent.
(S) Could not duplicate on the ground.
(P) Dead bugs on windscreen
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what its there for.
(P) #3 engine missing.
(S) #3 engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed target radar to sing.
Personal Story: One night, with maintenance problems still unsolved and a late takeoff eminent, I got a little pushy with a young maintainer. With a grin, his response was, "Sir, machinery just doesn't respond to intense hatred."
- Richard D. Fagley, LtCol(Ret), USAF
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a general observed a private policing the area. he approached the private and the private snapped to immediate attention. the general said, "a colonel who reports to me said that he believes making love is fun.well, soldier, i believe that making love is work. who is right, son, the colonel or me?" Quick as a wink, the private said, "with all due respect to the general, i believe that making love is fun, so the colonel is right." the general said, "how do you figure that, son?" the private broke eye contact, looked down and said, "well, sir, i figure that if there was any work to making love, they'd probably have me doing it, sir."
- stanley heller
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Dirty Magazines And The Marines
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
- Steve Swartz, 167th ANG(ret)
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A Califonia AF Reserve unit was attending an Air Force security police ground combat school in Texas. A young troop was having difficulty figuring out how to hook up his load bearing equipment to his web belt, and was begining to show signs of frustration.
An instructor came over and demonstrated how the LBE attached to the web belt. "There," the instructor said, "you don't have to be a rocket scientist."
The young Airman looked at the instructor and slowly replied, "I am a rocket scientist."
An instructor came over and demonstrated how the LBE attached to the web belt. "There," the instructor said, "you don't have to be a rocket scientist."
The young Airman looked at the instructor and slowly replied, "I am a rocket scientist."
- Walter
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A True Story:
Navy Basic Training, San Diego, CA, Nov. 1965.
A Battalion OOD had a reputation for sneaking up on trainees standing guard to test their knowledge of the correct procedure for challenging. One night, he snuck up on one trainee and rattled the bushes to see how the trainee would respond. The trainee immediately challenged him with the correct, "Halt! Who is there?"
The OOD sarcastically replied, "It's me, Superman!".
The trainee promptly replied "Well, Fly your A** over here and be identified."
The trainee was swiftly escorted to the Battalion Commander's office for disciplinary action. However, the Battalion Commander was laughing so hard, the trainee was dismissed without any punishment.
On his way out, the trainee overheard the Commander remarking to the OOD,
"It's about time someone got the best of you!"
Navy Basic Training, San Diego, CA, Nov. 1965.
A Battalion OOD had a reputation for sneaking up on trainees standing guard to test their knowledge of the correct procedure for challenging. One night, he snuck up on one trainee and rattled the bushes to see how the trainee would respond. The trainee immediately challenged him with the correct, "Halt! Who is there?"
The OOD sarcastically replied, "It's me, Superman!".
The trainee promptly replied "Well, Fly your A** over here and be identified."
The trainee was swiftly escorted to the Battalion Commander's office for disciplinary action. However, the Battalion Commander was laughing so hard, the trainee was dismissed without any punishment.
On his way out, the trainee overheard the Commander remarking to the OOD,
"It's about time someone got the best of you!"
- Jack Feeman
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Ad in newspaper:
For Sale; Parachute, never opened, cheap.
For Sale; Parachute, never opened, cheap.
- E. Carriker
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A Sergeant E -8 with thirty five yrs. service was instructing a sqaud of hard case privates as to what they were going to do that day.
One of the privates told the sergeant he wasn,t going to listen to him because he thougt he was illiterate.
The sergeant looked at the private and said , literate, literate, what dat mean?
One of the privates told the sergeant he wasn,t going to listen to him because he thougt he was illiterate.
The sergeant looked at the private and said , literate, literate, what dat mean?
- James Walker
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A Basic Training Army Sgt. and his training Company's 2nd Lt, the company XO were getting haircuts at the same time in the PX Barber Shop.
The barber cutting the 2nd Louie's hair was finishing and asks the 2nd Lt. if he wants some of perfumy hair tonic on his new haircut.
The 2nd Lt. replies, "Hell no, I can't go home to my wife stinking to high heaven with that stuff, she'll think I've been in a French whorehouse."
At just that time the other barber was finishing the sergeant's haircut so he says to the Sgt, "Sarge how about you, do you want some of this stinkey stuff?"
To which the sergeant replied, "Sure, put the whole bottle on, my wife don't know what a French whorehouse smells like."
The barber cutting the 2nd Louie's hair was finishing and asks the 2nd Lt. if he wants some of perfumy hair tonic on his new haircut.
The 2nd Lt. replies, "Hell no, I can't go home to my wife stinking to high heaven with that stuff, she'll think I've been in a French whorehouse."
At just that time the other barber was finishing the sergeant's haircut so he says to the Sgt, "Sarge how about you, do you want some of this stinkey stuff?"
To which the sergeant replied, "Sure, put the whole bottle on, my wife don't know what a French whorehouse smells like."
- Frank Tucker
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True Story:
An off base communications center opened at Westover AFB, Mass. and a local bus company was hired to take the troops from the base to the site.
On the very first trip the bus loaded and the NCOIC (an E-8) told the driver he was going to make sure everyone was on board and for him to wait before leaving.
The E-8 left to make sure there were no stragglers and a brand new 2nd Lt boarded the bus, sat behind the driver and told him impatiently, "OK you can go now."
The driver then replied, "Who the H are you?"
The Lt tapped his bars and said, "I am a 2nd Lt and I say you can go now."
The driver replied, "No way, that guy with ALL those stripes on his arm said to wait, so I am waiting for him!"
An off base communications center opened at Westover AFB, Mass. and a local bus company was hired to take the troops from the base to the site.
On the very first trip the bus loaded and the NCOIC (an E-8) told the driver he was going to make sure everyone was on board and for him to wait before leaving.
The E-8 left to make sure there were no stragglers and a brand new 2nd Lt boarded the bus, sat behind the driver and told him impatiently, "OK you can go now."
The driver then replied, "Who the H are you?"
The Lt tapped his bars and said, "I am a 2nd Lt and I say you can go now."
The driver replied, "No way, that guy with ALL those stripes on his arm said to wait, so I am waiting for him!"
- William Neff
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The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
- Michael Schuttenberg
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Two grunts were marching through the swamps of Louisiana fighting the muck, mire, and mosquitos when one of them saw two unusually large ones on his arm and heard them talking. One asked the other, "Shall we eat him here, or take him home with us." The other replied, "No, lets eat him here. If we take him home the big ones will take him away from us."
- Lawrence Brotherton
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Two old vets sitting on a bench at the VA Hospital watching pretty nurses walk by.
One vet says to the other,"you remember that stuff they put in our food during the war....Well, I think it's starting to work now."
One vet says to the other,"you remember that stuff they put in our food during the war....Well, I think it's starting to work now."
- Tom Turner
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An airman stationed in france met a new loverly girl was asked if he would come up to her apartment for dinner. He said sure! but what will you serve for dinner? She said Lambs tongue. Ugh! he said americans dont eat anything that comes from an animals mouth. She said ok mon ami, I will make you some eggs.
- Carl Gagliardi
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My nephew was visiting me for the long weekend while I had a Reserve Drill. I was in my BDU's and came out carrying my boots. He looked at me with his saucer eyes and paused for a moment, then said, "I know what kind of clothes your wearing!" I asked him what kind. He stated in a very posative tone, "HUP, TWO, TREE, clothes!!!"
- Marie5703
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q:how do you break up an afghani bingo party
a:yell out B-52 B-52
a:yell out B-52 B-52
- matt
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