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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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1st Sergeant to Private. "Hey Private, get your hands out of your pockets!"
Private "Yes, sir!"
1st Sgt "Don't call me Sir, I work for a living. I'll bet you just can't wait until I retire and die so you can come and pee on my grave, Huh ?"
Private "No, 1st Sgt. When I get out of this Army, I'm never going to stand in another line......."
Private "Yes, sir!"
1st Sgt "Don't call me Sir, I work for a living. I'll bet you just can't wait until I retire and die so you can come and pee on my grave, Huh ?"
Private "No, 1st Sgt. When I get out of this Army, I'm never going to stand in another line......."
- Dave Sims
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A Marine was running from two Drill Instructors fearing that they might send him to war. As he was running he bumped into a nun and asked her, "Sister please let me hide under your dress so my Drill Instructors wont send me off to war."
The nun let the Marine under and then immediately two men dressed in camoflauge ran by the nun. One of the Drill Instructors told the nun, "I dont mean to sound rude but you have the most beautiful legs I've ever seen."
Then the nun replied, "If you looked a little higher you will see two of the most beautiful pairs of balls."
The nun let the Marine under and then immediately two men dressed in camoflauge ran by the nun. One of the Drill Instructors told the nun, "I dont mean to sound rude but you have the most beautiful legs I've ever seen."
Then the nun replied, "If you looked a little higher you will see two of the most beautiful pairs of balls."
- Nicholas G. Pinto
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Three Air Force, Army & Marine Generals and a Navy Admiral were walking through a joint operation site bragging about the bravery of "their" men.
The Marine General challenged the others to prove their claims. He called a young Marine over and said "climb to the top of that flagpole and dive off". The young Marine saluted smartly, scuttled up the flag pole and dove to his death. The Marine General smiled smugly and said "See? Strict obedience to a command. That's bravery".
The Army General, not wanting to be outdone, called over a young private and gave the same order. The young private said "Sir?". The order was repeated, the private saluted smartly and met the same fate as the Marine. The Army General said "As soon as the private understood the order, he obeyed. That's bravery".
The Admiral then called over a young sailor and gave the same order. The sailor asked to have the order repeated several times and after being threatened with going to the brig, reluctantly climbed the flag pole and met his fate. The Admiral said "Obeying orders in spite of your fears is what I call brave!". The Air Force General chuckled to himself, called over a young Airman and gave the same order. The Airman said "Begging your pardon sir, but you're crazy if you think I'm going to throw my life away for nothing", saluted smartly and walked away. The AF General turned to the others who were standing with their jaws dropped and said "Now that's what I call brave!".
The Marine General challenged the others to prove their claims. He called a young Marine over and said "climb to the top of that flagpole and dive off". The young Marine saluted smartly, scuttled up the flag pole and dove to his death. The Marine General smiled smugly and said "See? Strict obedience to a command. That's bravery".
The Army General, not wanting to be outdone, called over a young private and gave the same order. The young private said "Sir?". The order was repeated, the private saluted smartly and met the same fate as the Marine. The Army General said "As soon as the private understood the order, he obeyed. That's bravery".
The Admiral then called over a young sailor and gave the same order. The sailor asked to have the order repeated several times and after being threatened with going to the brig, reluctantly climbed the flag pole and met his fate. The Admiral said "Obeying orders in spite of your fears is what I call brave!". The Air Force General chuckled to himself, called over a young Airman and gave the same order. The Airman said "Begging your pardon sir, but you're crazy if you think I'm going to throw my life away for nothing", saluted smartly and walked away. The AF General turned to the others who were standing with their jaws dropped and said "Now that's what I call brave!".
- M Droste
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Subject: God's Messenger... The Veteran
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold!
At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting ....................
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine responded: "God was busy. He sent me."
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold!
At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting ....................
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine responded: "God was busy. He sent me."
- James M. Jacka
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A Marine Driving a Jeep in the Camp, hit a rabbit and killed it. He got out, picked up the rabbit and wept.
A Lady Marine coming down the road stops and asks what's the problem.
"I just killed the Easter Bunny that was carrying Easter Eggs and now our little children will not be able to enjoy Easter," said the Marine.
The Lady Marine goes back to her verhicle, comes back with a can and sprays it on the rabbit. The Easter Bunny gets up, dusts himself off, picks up basket and eggs, goes up the road and every so often turns around and waves.
The Marine, shocked, reads the label on can. "Shake well and spray- -Restores Hair (Hare) and gives permanent wave."
A Lady Marine coming down the road stops and asks what's the problem.
"I just killed the Easter Bunny that was carrying Easter Eggs and now our little children will not be able to enjoy Easter," said the Marine.
The Lady Marine goes back to her verhicle, comes back with a can and sprays it on the rabbit. The Easter Bunny gets up, dusts himself off, picks up basket and eggs, goes up the road and every so often turns around and waves.
The Marine, shocked, reads the label on can. "Shake well and spray- -Restores Hair (Hare) and gives permanent wave."
- John Bohn
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An actual incident!
During the Cuban Missle Crisis, the SAC Command post at Eilson AFB, Alaska was on 24 Hour Alert. As the Ranking officer, Colonel Pancake called the Mess hall for delivery of food to the Staff.
When he identified himself as Col. Pancake, the enlisted airman the Mess Hall, replied "Yeah, and I'm Col. Syrup! come on down and I'll run all over you."
Colonel Pancake, who was not amuused in the least, charged to the Mess Hall to confront the Sergeant who answered the phone.
After a complete verbal reprimand the Colonel contacted the Mess Officer to instruct his men in proper telephone usage.
During the Cuban Missle Crisis, the SAC Command post at Eilson AFB, Alaska was on 24 Hour Alert. As the Ranking officer, Colonel Pancake called the Mess hall for delivery of food to the Staff.
When he identified himself as Col. Pancake, the enlisted airman the Mess Hall, replied "Yeah, and I'm Col. Syrup! come on down and I'll run all over you."
Colonel Pancake, who was not amuused in the least, charged to the Mess Hall to confront the Sergeant who answered the phone.
After a complete verbal reprimand the Colonel contacted the Mess Officer to instruct his men in proper telephone usage.
- Robert D. Breitkreutz
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This is how I heard it:
There was this wealthy good looking lady in her thirties that could not find the right husband. The first husband used her as a punching bag. The second was a lousy lover, bad in bed. Her third husband was a great in bed, never harmed her, but ran away!
She advertised that she was looking for a husband, one that will not punch her, will not run away, and great in bed. Two weeks later her door bell rang and as she looked out did not see anyone. She opened the door and there sat a Marine combat veteran in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.
The lady asked, "may I help you?"
The Marine replied, "I am answering the Ad on the paper on your search for a husband."
She said, "I can see that you will not be able to punch me or run away, but tell me how you can be good in bed."
The Marine replied, "and how do think I rang the door bell, Lady!"
There was this wealthy good looking lady in her thirties that could not find the right husband. The first husband used her as a punching bag. The second was a lousy lover, bad in bed. Her third husband was a great in bed, never harmed her, but ran away!
She advertised that she was looking for a husband, one that will not punch her, will not run away, and great in bed. Two weeks later her door bell rang and as she looked out did not see anyone. She opened the door and there sat a Marine combat veteran in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.
The lady asked, "may I help you?"
The Marine replied, "I am answering the Ad on the paper on your search for a husband."
She said, "I can see that you will not be able to punch me or run away, but tell me how you can be good in bed."
The Marine replied, "and how do think I rang the door bell, Lady!"
- Daniel Siupik
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The raid on Pearl Harbor is a day that will live in infamy. Do you know where the word INFAMY came from? Well, when FDR got word of the raid on Pearl Harbor he sat down with congress and said "boy, the Japs really must have it in famy if they want to attack Pearl Harbor"
- Peter
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Courage
It seems the Army, Air Force and Navy could not agree on the definition of courage. An Army General, an Air Force Colonel and a Navy Admiral were given the task of demonstrating what true courage looked like in action.
The Army General went first.
"Watch this,", he tells the other two and orders a young Green Beret to enter the desert and not return until he has found and killed every last Terrorist.
He responds, "Yes Sir!" and charges across the desert with only his M16 and a survival knife.
Months later he staggers out of the jungle, bleeding, starving, barely alive.
"That, gentlemen is courage!", says the General.
Next is the Air Force Colonel.
He commands a young pilot to fly his jet to 60,000 feet and dive towards the earth, not pulling out of the dive until told to do so.
"Yes Sir!", and off he goes.
Moments later he is seen plunging towards the ground. The Colonel stands and watches him impact the earth at mach 3.
"Now that, gentlemen is courage!"
The Navy Admiral just smiles and takes them out on the deck of an aircraft carrier where a lone swabbie is standing at the rail, smoking a cigarette and looking several stories below to the surface of the ocean.
"Sailor", the Admiral says, "I want you to jump over the side right now!"
The young man flips his cigarette over the side, watches it fall and then turns toward the Admiral with a one-finger salute.
"Now that, gentlemen is courage!"
It seems the Army, Air Force and Navy could not agree on the definition of courage. An Army General, an Air Force Colonel and a Navy Admiral were given the task of demonstrating what true courage looked like in action.
The Army General went first.
"Watch this,", he tells the other two and orders a young Green Beret to enter the desert and not return until he has found and killed every last Terrorist.
He responds, "Yes Sir!" and charges across the desert with only his M16 and a survival knife.
Months later he staggers out of the jungle, bleeding, starving, barely alive.
"That, gentlemen is courage!", says the General.
Next is the Air Force Colonel.
He commands a young pilot to fly his jet to 60,000 feet and dive towards the earth, not pulling out of the dive until told to do so.
"Yes Sir!", and off he goes.
Moments later he is seen plunging towards the ground. The Colonel stands and watches him impact the earth at mach 3.
"Now that, gentlemen is courage!"
The Navy Admiral just smiles and takes them out on the deck of an aircraft carrier where a lone swabbie is standing at the rail, smoking a cigarette and looking several stories below to the surface of the ocean.
"Sailor", the Admiral says, "I want you to jump over the side right now!"
The young man flips his cigarette over the side, watches it fall and then turns toward the Admiral with a one-finger salute.
"Now that, gentlemen is courage!"
- Tom Wyant
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After her boyfriend was sent to Iraq she started seeing another man. She wrote to him and asked for the picture she had given him.
Being the trained Marine he was, he went to everyone and collected photos' of all the girlfriends and women; naked and clothed. He sent them off with a note: "I don't remember which one you are so please take your photo and send the others back."
Being the trained Marine he was, he went to everyone and collected photos' of all the girlfriends and women; naked and clothed. He sent them off with a note: "I don't remember which one you are so please take your photo and send the others back."
- A. Nelson
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During the German Occupation of Norway (1940-45), two high German Officers visit the Norwegian National Viking Ship Museum & A little Norwegian boy of six sidles up alongside them.
"Do you like our Viking Ships?"
"Yah..Yah, they are very gut" replied the Germans.
Then the little Norwegian boy says "We used to take England every spring with such boats." From ALL FOR NORWAY, a British periodical printed in 1942.
"Do you like our Viking Ships?"
"Yah..Yah, they are very gut" replied the Germans.
Then the little Norwegian boy says "We used to take England every spring with such boats." From ALL FOR NORWAY, a British periodical printed in 1942.
- James C. Neel
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During the German Occupation of Norway, the local Norwegian fishermen in a small port nearby saw a Luftwaffe Condor Aircraft crash into the sea. They set out in one of their boats to search for survivors, but returned empty-handed.
"Weren't any of them still alive?" asked a German Guard.
"Well," said one of the Norwegian fishermen, "One of them said he was alive, but you know what liars those Germans are." From "ALL FOR NORWAY", a l942 British war pictorial book.
"Weren't any of them still alive?" asked a German Guard.
"Well," said one of the Norwegian fishermen, "One of them said he was alive, but you know what liars those Germans are." From "ALL FOR NORWAY", a l942 British war pictorial book.
- James C. Neel
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Three officers were out hunting one day. One was an Army Lieutenant in accounting, a Marine Captain engineer, and an Air Force Major lawyer.
They were arguing about who had the best hunting dog.
The Army accountant called out to his dog. "Debit, take 4 bones out of the bag!" Debit did as he was told immediately.
The Marine Engineer, not to be outdone, called out. "Slide Rule! make a square out of those bones." Slide Rule lined them up perfectly.
The Air Force lawyer paused, then called his dog.. "Counselor, show them what a lawyer does." The dog went over, ate all four bones, screwed the other two dogs, and took the afternoon off...
They were arguing about who had the best hunting dog.
The Army accountant called out to his dog. "Debit, take 4 bones out of the bag!" Debit did as he was told immediately.
The Marine Engineer, not to be outdone, called out. "Slide Rule! make a square out of those bones." Slide Rule lined them up perfectly.
The Air Force lawyer paused, then called his dog.. "Counselor, show them what a lawyer does." The dog went over, ate all four bones, screwed the other two dogs, and took the afternoon off...
- Bob Neuberger
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As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asked quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asked quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
- Michael Schuttenberg
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A retired Navy Chief with a pet parrot bought a chicken farm.
The very first morning at 05:00 the parrot was swaking, "Revelle all you swabs get your ass out of the sack and fall in."
The Chief who wanted to sleep in decided that the parrot had to go. So that night he put the parrot in the chicken pen.
The very next morning at exactly 05:00 he heard the most awful noises from the chicken pen, he looked out side and saw feathers all over the yard, there were dead white chicken, dead black chicken, and dead red chickens all over the place. All the brown chicken were line up and the parrot was pacing back and forth in front of them.
The parrot was swaking, "Dammit when I say fall out in Kakies I mean Kakies."
The very first morning at 05:00 the parrot was swaking, "Revelle all you swabs get your ass out of the sack and fall in."
The Chief who wanted to sleep in decided that the parrot had to go. So that night he put the parrot in the chicken pen.
The very next morning at exactly 05:00 he heard the most awful noises from the chicken pen, he looked out side and saw feathers all over the yard, there were dead white chicken, dead black chicken, and dead red chickens all over the place. All the brown chicken were line up and the parrot was pacing back and forth in front of them.
The parrot was swaking, "Dammit when I say fall out in Kakies I mean Kakies."
- Marty
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