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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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What do you get when you cross a spider with Saddam Hussein?
A. YOu get a spider hole hiding an ass-hole.
A. YOu get a spider hole hiding an ass-hole.
- edward staton
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A young marine managed to get a date with a pretty young girl that had never been on a date before, to go to a drive-in movie. They were both enjoying the movie when about half way through the marine asked the pretty young girl. Would you like to get in the back seat? No she answered. I want to stay here with you.
- Charles Albro
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The Staff Sergent was mad one day and went home and told his wife to put on his BDU's.
She replied, "I can't fit into those pants."
The Sgt then replied, "that's right, I where the pants in this family!"
Later that night when it was time for bed, the wife gave the Sgt her panties to put on.
The sgt replied, "I can't get into those.
And the wife then said, "that's right, and you won't be getting into them for a month!"
She replied, "I can't fit into those pants."
The Sgt then replied, "that's right, I where the pants in this family!"
Later that night when it was time for bed, the wife gave the Sgt her panties to put on.
The sgt replied, "I can't get into those.
And the wife then said, "that's right, and you won't be getting into them for a month!"
- James
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As a medic one of my duties while on dispensary duty was screening of basic trainees who came on sick call. At the post where I was stationed we had a severe spinal meningitis scare. In an effort to rapidly screen the trainees for treatment the doctors had devised a quick questionnaire for us to use to speed up the process. Basically it consisted of about a dozen yes/no questions we were to ask the trainesssuch as: nasal discharge? experienced nausea? any dizziness? etc. etc. One of the last questions was nasal discharge? Imagine our suprise one very busy morning when I and my fellow corpsman were busily screening and one of the trainees pondered that question for about five seconds and then quickly responded, "Well if their willing to give me a discharge for that, I'll take it!"
- Al (Doc)
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What did the Chaplain tell the soldier who was about to get punished? "To Err is human; to forgive is against Regulations!" Ha, ha, ha!
- Joe Cruz
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The children in class one day were learning about morals, and each was asked to tell a story which had a moral. Little Sue related how her mother had collected all the eggs in a basket one frosty morn, and then slipped and fell, breaking all the eggs. The moral was not to put all your eggs in one basket. Little Billy told about how his uncle wanted to be a chicken farmer, starting out with only an incubator, but that he had big plans for the future. One day a fox got into the incubator room and got to all the eggs, dashing all plans of being a chicken farmer. The moral was not to count your chickens before they hatch. And so, on the story telling went, until it was little Johnny's turn.
Dad was in the Army during the war and got separated from his unit. He was alone in his foxhole and the enemy was closing in all around him. So he took stock of his supplies, and found that he had 5 rounds of ammo, one hand grenade, his bayonet, and a canteen full of whiskey. So he took a big drink from his canteen and prepared for the worst.
The enemy began closing in on him, so he had another drink, fired his last rounds and killed 5 of the enemy. Having another drink to settle himself, the enemy charged. So he pulled the pin and threw his grenade, killing several more of the enemy. Another drink.
Then 2 of the enemy jumped into his foxhole and he killed each with his bayonet, and.....At this, point the teacher stopped Johnny and said, "Young man, this is an awfully long story. Does it have a moral to it?"
"Yes, Ma'am," replied Johnny, "Don't mess with Dad when he's been drinking!"
Dad was in the Army during the war and got separated from his unit. He was alone in his foxhole and the enemy was closing in all around him. So he took stock of his supplies, and found that he had 5 rounds of ammo, one hand grenade, his bayonet, and a canteen full of whiskey. So he took a big drink from his canteen and prepared for the worst.
The enemy began closing in on him, so he had another drink, fired his last rounds and killed 5 of the enemy. Having another drink to settle himself, the enemy charged. So he pulled the pin and threw his grenade, killing several more of the enemy. Another drink.
Then 2 of the enemy jumped into his foxhole and he killed each with his bayonet, and.....At this, point the teacher stopped Johnny and said, "Young man, this is an awfully long story. Does it have a moral to it?"
"Yes, Ma'am," replied Johnny, "Don't mess with Dad when he's been drinking!"
- Gary Edmisten
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The young British Lieutenant, who was quite the Ladies man in London, got transferred to a remote outpost in the desert of North Africa during the early part of WW2. After a month or so of outpost duty, he was beginning to feel rather anxious for the company of a woman. Passing one of the non-coms in the compound one day, the Lieutenant stopped the soldier and asked, "Tell me Sergeant Major, what do the men 'ere do when they're feeling...er, uh...well, excited, if you know what I mean?"
"Right,Leftenant, Sir!," replied the Sgt. Major, "The men go to the corral behind that dune where we keep our camels, and..." "GOOD GOD, Man!," the Lieutenant abruptly cut him off, "We'll 'ave none of THAT disgusting business while I'm assigned to this bloody outpost! Now get rid of those camels immejetly!" And off the Lieutenant went, shocked as he was.
Another month or so passed and the young Lieutenant was feeling even more anxious for the company of a woman. Maybe a camel couldn't be so bad after all, he thought to himself. Passing the Sergeant Major in the compound, the Lieutenant stopped the non-com and asked, "Tell me Sergeant Major, did you get rid of those camels like I told you?"
"Right, Leftenant, Sir! No, Sir, I did not. 'Aven't 'ad time, Sir!" So off the Lieutenant goes to the corral behind the dunes where the camels were kept. Soon a huge ruckus was heard coming from the corral, with loud bellowing and scuffling noises. Shortly, after the din had died down, the Lieutenant emerged from behind the dune, and adjusting his uniform approached the Sgt. Major. "So, Sergeant Major, that's what the men do then izzit when they're feeling...well, rather excited, what?"
"No Sir, Leftenant! The men all throw saddles on the bloody beasts and rides 'em to the brothel in the village 20 miles away."
"Right,Leftenant, Sir!," replied the Sgt. Major, "The men go to the corral behind that dune where we keep our camels, and..." "GOOD GOD, Man!," the Lieutenant abruptly cut him off, "We'll 'ave none of THAT disgusting business while I'm assigned to this bloody outpost! Now get rid of those camels immejetly!" And off the Lieutenant went, shocked as he was.
Another month or so passed and the young Lieutenant was feeling even more anxious for the company of a woman. Maybe a camel couldn't be so bad after all, he thought to himself. Passing the Sergeant Major in the compound, the Lieutenant stopped the non-com and asked, "Tell me Sergeant Major, did you get rid of those camels like I told you?"
"Right, Leftenant, Sir! No, Sir, I did not. 'Aven't 'ad time, Sir!" So off the Lieutenant goes to the corral behind the dunes where the camels were kept. Soon a huge ruckus was heard coming from the corral, with loud bellowing and scuffling noises. Shortly, after the din had died down, the Lieutenant emerged from behind the dune, and adjusting his uniform approached the Sgt. Major. "So, Sergeant Major, that's what the men do then izzit when they're feeling...well, rather excited, what?"
"No Sir, Leftenant! The men all throw saddles on the bloody beasts and rides 'em to the brothel in the village 20 miles away."
- Gary Edmisten
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Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them To join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them To join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
- T.E. Blas
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A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The young officer answered, "why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."
The General got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears."
The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses."
The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.
"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked.
The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no damn ears."
One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The young officer answered, "why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."
The General got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears."
The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses."
The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.
"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked.
The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no damn ears."
- LCPL BURCHELL/USMC/
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What do you call a 2nd Lt with pfc's all around him??????????
Lost!!!!!!!!!!
Lost!!!!!!!!!!
- Major Minske
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What do you call a 2nd Lt with pfc's all around him???
LOST!!!!!
LOST!!!!!
- Darryl(Evans)2/159th SJ
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In Iraq they took down all of the walmarts and put in targets!!!!!!!!!!
- Amanda
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STATIONED IN NAM 1968, I WALKED INTO OUR MAKESHIFT LITTLE COFFEE SHOP ONE MORNING AND NOTICED A 2LT OFF TO THE SIDE WITH A BRIEF CASE AT HIS FEET. I WALKED OVER TO HIM AND SAID, SIR,I'M SMSGT HALL,NCOIC OF THIS BRANCH, ARE YOU BEING ASSIGNED HERE? HE REPLIED HE WAS AND ONLY ARRIVED LAST NIGHT. I ASKED IF HE WAS TDY OR PERMANENT PARTY AND HE SAID, ROTC!!!!!
- DAVE HALL
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Two gunnies were sitting next to the rock one picked and threw it to the other. The other one said what you do that for? He said cause your head was in my way
- julie
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A sergeant and his wife return home from an outing to find a burglar ransacking their home. At gun point the burglar tells the sergeant's wife that he was dishonorable discharged and has not money to get home and is going to sell what he can steal to get a bus ticket to get home. However, he tells the sergeant's wife that he has to shoot her because she has seen his face, but before he does he asks her name. She responds by say that her name is Elizabeth. The burglar tells her "I can't shoot you that was my mother's name." The burglar then turns to the Sergeant who has been listening very intently and says "I can shoot you, but before I do I need to know your name." The sergeant who is cowering and scared tells the burglar as sincerely as he can "My name is John but sometimes the call me Elizabeth."
- General Gonzales
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