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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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Two Italian Officers taking Jump School at Ft Benning,GA. The two got on a city bus; sat down and engage in a animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one last time."
"You foul-mouthed,sex-obsessed swine," retored the lady indignantly, "In this Country....we do not speak aloud in public placea about our sex lives!!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who is talkin' about sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frenda how to spell MISSISSIPPI"
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one last time."
"You foul-mouthed,sex-obsessed swine," retored the lady indignantly, "In this Country....we do not speak aloud in public placea about our sex lives!!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who is talkin' about sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frenda how to spell MISSISSIPPI"
- Joe G Inocencio Msg (Ret)
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Never Ask A Gunny
A Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant got on a flight to Minneapolis. The only seat available was next to a Navy Chaplain.
He sat and the stewardess asked for his drink order. He got a whiskey with a beer chaser, which the stewardess put on his tray.
She then asked the Chaplain if he'd like a drink.
The Chaplain responded, "I'd sooner be seduced by a wanton hussy, than let liquor touch my lips."
The Gunny, looking surprised, handed his drinks back to the stewardess and said, "Here, take these back, I didn't know we had a choice!"
A Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant got on a flight to Minneapolis. The only seat available was next to a Navy Chaplain.
He sat and the stewardess asked for his drink order. He got a whiskey with a beer chaser, which the stewardess put on his tray.
She then asked the Chaplain if he'd like a drink.
The Chaplain responded, "I'd sooner be seduced by a wanton hussy, than let liquor touch my lips."
The Gunny, looking surprised, handed his drinks back to the stewardess and said, "Here, take these back, I didn't know we had a choice!"
- Dave De
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Quite a number of years ago when I was a brand new 2nd LT, I was in the company supply room being issued some field equipment, along with some other items.
I remarked, "It seems as though nothing I pick out of this pile fits!"
While this was going on, our rather "grizzled" 1st SGT came into the room. Having overheard the conversation that I had been having with the supply clerk, he turned to me and said, "LT, in all my years in the service, I have only had 2 things issued to me that fit!"
Like any new 2nd LT eager to learn from the seasoned soldiers, I asked him, "What were they Top?"
He replied in a very serious tone, "Shoe laces and a neck tie."
I remarked, "It seems as though nothing I pick out of this pile fits!"
While this was going on, our rather "grizzled" 1st SGT came into the room. Having overheard the conversation that I had been having with the supply clerk, he turned to me and said, "LT, in all my years in the service, I have only had 2 things issued to me that fit!"
Like any new 2nd LT eager to learn from the seasoned soldiers, I asked him, "What were they Top?"
He replied in a very serious tone, "Shoe laces and a neck tie."
- Artie
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What do you call 32 Iraqi women in a room?
A. a set of teeth.
A. a set of teeth.
- EC
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How do you stop an Iraqi tank?
Shoot the camels pulling it.
Shoot the camels pulling it.
- Josh K
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A marine was driving along on a first date. The young lady riding with him asked? What is the best thing you have learned in the military? He immediately pulled over unzipped his pants and said at attention marine. His little marine stood straight up. Then he said at ease marine. His little marine went down. The young lady giggled with glee and said could you do that again? So he said at attention marine and his little marine stood straight up. He then said at ease marine but nothing happened. He got out went to the back of the car then came back a moment latter. He then said at ease marine and his little marine went down. The young lady said that was great, but why did you go to the back of the car? He said I am afraid I had to give him a dishonorable discharge.
- robcolsman@hotmail.com
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why do the Army send three men out on patrol.... one to read the map and two to guard the intellectual
- max
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A new Protastant Navy Preacher was giving a serman on teperance to mostly Marines. He stood up and said all of you who like beer I'm going to take it all and throw it in the river. He said this about wine and spirits, alchol, and abrubtly sat down.
The gunny who was directing the music calmly steped to the pulpet and said, Please turn in your hymn books to number 114 and rise while we sing Shall We Gather At the River
The gunny who was directing the music calmly steped to the pulpet and said, Please turn in your hymn books to number 114 and rise while we sing Shall We Gather At the River
- Leroy Rothamel
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How do you break up an iraqi bingo game? call b-52
- anonymous
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What's the difference between a PFC and a 2nd LT?
PFC's been promoted twice.
PFC's been promoted twice.
- SPC Misty Raines
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A group a generals were shooting the breeze one day, each one saying how their branch was braver than the next. They all agreed to prove to the others. The marine gen said watch this, marine attack that tank so he did and died of course. The airforce gen said, watch this he got on the radio and commanded a pilot to dive his aircraft into the ground and he did. The army gen said watch, he thru a grenade and yelled soldier jump on that and he did. All generals at this point agreed how brave all these acts were then the navy gen said Oh no watch this a person was changing out bulbs at the highest point on this ship the gen yelled you up there jump, the reply back was !@#*& you sir the navy gen said see now that took intestinal fortitude
- van jordan SSG USAR
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An Army private, a AF Major, and a Marine was left in the desert for training and could only take one thing. The Army private brought beer. The AF Major brought money with him. The Marine had a deuce and a 1/2s door with him. The Marine asks the Army private,"Why did you bring only beer?" He answered,"Because when it gets hot I'll pop open some beers to drink." The Marine says "Oh, that's good thinking private." The Marine looks at the AF Major and asks "Why did you bring only money?" The AF Major answers, "Because when it gets hot I'll buy some beers from the private." The Marine says "That's a great plan, sir." The Army private and AF Major look at the Marine and the private asks the Marine,"Why are you carrying a Deuce and a 1/2s door?" The Marine smiles and answers,"Because when it gets hot I'll just role down the window!"
- Christian
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Two young Marines were looking for the Personnel office at Marine Corps Headquarters, when they asked an old Gunny if the office they were looking for was on the hall they were on, to which the Gunny shouted, "There are no halls in the Marines, boot, there are only passageways."
As the two boots were walking away, one was heard to sing, "From the passageways of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli".
As the two boots were walking away, one was heard to sing, "From the passageways of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli".
- Neil Young
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A GI brought a dog into a bar and stood him on the bar and asks, "does any one want to buy a talking dog?" The bartender responded, "I dont believe he's a talking dog, let me hear him talk." The dog started saying, "I'm a hero dog with the marines, i have a silver star, medal of honor,and a few purple hearts." The bartender says, "Wow, why do you want to sell a dog that talks?" And the owner says HE LIES ALOT......
- irv yaffa
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Subject: Army Issue
Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a mountain man was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On his third day the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army is still looking for him.
Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a mountain man was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On his third day the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army is still looking for him.
- Graylyn Garr
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