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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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One day I was at home with my 3 yr old and I told her "I had to leave, I had duty."
But, "mommy", she said, "we have a bafroom."
But, "mommy", she said, "we have a bafroom."
- kerria
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A lieutenant, a major and a colonel were in the bar at the officer's club, having a debate about sex: how much was pleasure and how much was work.
The lieutenant, just back from his honeymoon, said it was 75% pleasure and 25% work.
The major, who was getting up in age, said it was 50-50.
The colonel, who was ready for retirement, said it was 75% work and 25% pleasure.
They couldn't come to an agreement, so they decided to ask go to the barracks and ask the sergeant on duty.
The sergeant told them it was 100% pleasure.
When the three officers asked him why, the sergeant said "Because if there was any work involved, the three of you would have me doing it for you!"
The lieutenant, just back from his honeymoon, said it was 75% pleasure and 25% work.
The major, who was getting up in age, said it was 50-50.
The colonel, who was ready for retirement, said it was 75% work and 25% pleasure.
They couldn't come to an agreement, so they decided to ask go to the barracks and ask the sergeant on duty.
The sergeant told them it was 100% pleasure.
When the three officers asked him why, the sergeant said "Because if there was any work involved, the three of you would have me doing it for you!"
- noname
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True Story, I visited Kadena Air Base on Okinowa on my way to Vietnam in July 1969. I found there four inter-service clocks. Each had a statement written under the clock. The first one said, For all you Army Personnel, the time is... The Second one said For all you Air Force Personnel the time is... The Third clock said, For all you Navy Personnel the time is, and it gave the time. The fourth clock said for all you Marines, the big hand is on the four, and the little hand is on the six. I am an X-Marine
- Al Monte
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There is three people on station, so there is a trainee,a trainer, and the general. So, the trainer was telling the trainee how the general comes up with so many surprises. The trainee being a blonde was thinking about presents and parties, when he said surprises. So, they go outside and do their daily drills when it started raining. the general said " attention, hut". So, the trainee asks " where is the hut, General, Sir". The General replies" drop down and give me twenty. The blonde says " would you like it in 5 dollar bills, 10 dollar bills, or ones.
- Nicole
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a marine, soldier and sailor are stranded in a life raft ten miles from the nearest shore. eventually they decide they should swim for it. the swabby went first, a little later he comes back and says 'i could only make it two miles, after that i was to tired and had to turn back'. then the doggie gave it a shot. he comes back and says 'i could only make it 4 miles before i had to turn back'. then it was the jarheads turn. time goes by, he was gone for longer than the other two. then he comes back. he says 'that is tiring, i could only make it 8 miles before i was to tired and had to turn back.'
- joe smith
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One day there was a bad accident that killed one member from each branch of the service the Marine, Air Force, Navy, and the Army. They were standing at the golden gates to heaven and started arguing about which service was better. So they ask John, all of a sudden a dove appears and John writes the question and sends the dove back. a bit later the dove returnes and John reads the letter it says "Gentlemen, you should all be proud of the services that you were in and signed, God - Master Gunny USMC.
- Jason Grainger
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(This actually happened) Loisel was the company black sheep. We were walking together down the company street when our Captain passed by. He said to Loisel,"Is that your cigar butt laying there? Loisel answered, "No sir, you saw it first".
- Bernard Grzebinski
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There was these 2 snipers one was russian the other was polish , it was christmas time , the russian spotted the polish first but he stopped to think about it first he was having a conscience attack about taking his shot, so he snuck up unto the polish sniper , as he creeped around the corner the Pollock frozed dead fo he knew he had and dropped his weapon, the russian tried to talk to him to find what he was so he jestured as much as he could with hands so that he could get across what he was trying to say, so he made a jesture with his hands that likea and arch and asked him are you paratrooper ? no response, then he made like fingers walking asking are you infantry ? no reponse ... then he mad a jesture like his shooting forward throw the other hand and extending his arm forward asking are you artlery spotter , the guy stood back a little was getting worried, finally the russian was all out of ideas he put his hand to his head like he was holding a pair of binoculars and pulled his hands forward adn said are you forward observer that was the last straw the Polish sniper took off running.. he arrived back at his base his co was there what the hell are you doing back here he asked , the sniper said there is no way that im going back out there those russians are sneaky theare so sneaky that one sneaked up on me and told me what he was going to do , the co said what? so the sniper making the jestures as the russian had did to him and was saying " As the sun comes down that he was going to march done to where iam at and screw me inthe ass untill my eyes popped out!!!!!!!!!!
- craig fields
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There was a blond in the Military and she got sent off to a war in Vetnam. She is sitting in a fox hole and she ask a soilder next to her " Who is this Charlie guy we are looking for?"
- Vash
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During a Joint training excersise, Army and Marine soldiers along with navy seabees were camped out on any open space available on base. Early in the morning an air force officer approached a group of soldiers and told them to move all of their gear. When the officer in charge asked the air force officers why, They responded that they could put their camp back up in a couple of hours. The soldiers still had a confused look so the air force officers tried to explain that they had an 8 o'clock tee time and the soldiers were camped out on the eighth hole.
- Barry Carter
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One day SGM Jones walks into an establishment looking for a good time. Says to the madame, "I want the best woman in the house." 30 seconds later the hottest woman walks into the room and proceeds to lead SGM upstairs. Once upstairs, he undresses and says he wants to show her a trick, and she obliges. He told her to watch as he said "Attention," and immediately had an erection. He then said "At ease," and went limp. He repeated a couple of times... She was so impressed, she had to show the other girls in the house. The SGM happily agreed to show them. Finally on the last attempt he said, "Attention" and stood erect. He then said, "At ease!" But nothing happened. He repeated again, "At ease!" Still nothing. He did twice more, still nothing but erection. He told them, "Excuse me a moment." He masturbates and then says "I had to give a private a dishonorable discharge."
- John Brown
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There was this wealthy good looking lady in her thirties that could not find the right husband. Three tries and still unsuccessful. The first husband used her as a punching bag. The second will kick her when she did not do what he expected. The third was a lousy lover, bad in bed. She then advertised that she was looking for a husband, one that will not punch her, will not kick her, and good lover in bed. Two weeks later her door bell rang and as she look out did not she anyone. She opened the door and there stood a Marine combat veteran. She lady asked, may I help you? The Marine replied I am answering the Ad on the paper on your search for a husband. She said, I can see that you will not be able to punch or kick me but how can you prove you are good in bed. The Marine replied and how do think I rang the door bell Lady!
- Benjamin Guerrero, USMC
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On a MAC flight from Charleston to Germany the following occurred. About an hour into the flight, the Captain came on the speaker informing us that we had lost an engine, but not to worry; the plane could fly on three engines. We would be an hour late in our arrival.
An hour later, again the Captain informs us we have lost another engine, but not to worry; the plane can fly on two engines. However, we will be two hours late in our arrival.
About forty-five minutes later, once again the Captain tell us we'll be three hours late because we've lost the third engine, but not to worry; the plane can fly on only one engine.
The Marine Second Lieutenant sitting next to me turns to me and says, "I hope we don't lose that last engine, we'll be up here all day."
An hour later, again the Captain informs us we have lost another engine, but not to worry; the plane can fly on two engines. However, we will be two hours late in our arrival.
About forty-five minutes later, once again the Captain tell us we'll be three hours late because we've lost the third engine, but not to worry; the plane can fly on only one engine.
The Marine Second Lieutenant sitting next to me turns to me and says, "I hope we don't lose that last engine, we'll be up here all day."
- William
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Joint Armed service personnel were having a block party get together and as luck would have it a Green Beret asks this Officer (Air Force) WAF if sheeee fooools around, cold as ice she sayyyys NOT with enlisted personnel. This GB looks & then looks again and asks "well sir would you hold still while I do?
- Patrick Adams
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A colonel stopped a young E-2 for not saluting him. The Colonel asked whay the private did not salute. The private replied that he couldn't salute because we never salute indoors. The colonel replied, "But we're not indoors young private!" The private retorted, "We must be sir...you don't have your cover on!"
- F. Teller
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