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MILITARY JOKES
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Never Ask a Gunny!!!
A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.
The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.
"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears."
A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.
The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.
"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears."
- Mike Laudenslayer
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A young first lieutenant and a warrant officer were in the O. club latrine at Ft. Bragg, doing their business at the urinal. Well the W.O. finishes up first, then heads out the door, and the lieutenant call's to him, my mother always taught me to wash my hand after using the urinal. The W.O. thought this over for a few seconds, and then replied, my mother always taught me not to piss on my fingers.
- James E. Tarr
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A Major and Sgt. were having a heated discussion on how to complete a report. The Maj. finally could take no more and said "you will do it my way and this is a direct order". The Sgt. replied "I am going to give you the same reply that I gave the Base Commander when he ordered me to remove my car from his parking spot" What was that" asked the Maj?----"Yes sir" replied the Sgt.
- norm payne
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The Chiefs of staff are bragging about who has the troops with the most guts. The Army Chief of Staff says, I'll prove it first. A Green Beret Sgt is walking by, and the General says "Sgt, Pilot that helocopter to that Island, Land it, using only your M-16, kill everything there. The green beret says "Yes Sir" and proceedes to do it.
The Navy Chief of staff says" That's Nothing" a Seal is Walking by and he yells, "Seal, swim out to that boat, totally under water, and kill all aboard using only your K-Bar." The seal replies "Eye Eye Sir", aand proceedes with his mission, impressing the Army Chief of Staff.
The Comandant of the Marine Corps braggs that his FMF troops are the tuffest, and to prove it barks at a passing Cpl, you are to proceed to the top of that mountain there, low crawling the entire way, and kikll the 200 people there using only your bare hands. The Cpl shouts Eye Eye Sir and a Urrah for good measure and proceedes with his mission. The Army and Navy Chiefs are really impressed, however the Air Force chief of Staff is doubled over laughing.
When asked wyh he is laughing so hard, he replies, "If you want to see bravery, Guts and nerve, watch this".
An Airman 1 striper is walking past with his hands in his pockets, hat on backwards and the chief of staff barks "Airman" the airman spits out his gum and says "WHAT" The General then says "Pick up that cigarette butt."
The airman replies "Drop Dead". Now that is bravery.
The Navy Chief of staff says" That's Nothing" a Seal is Walking by and he yells, "Seal, swim out to that boat, totally under water, and kill all aboard using only your K-Bar." The seal replies "Eye Eye Sir", aand proceedes with his mission, impressing the Army Chief of Staff.
The Comandant of the Marine Corps braggs that his FMF troops are the tuffest, and to prove it barks at a passing Cpl, you are to proceed to the top of that mountain there, low crawling the entire way, and kikll the 200 people there using only your bare hands. The Cpl shouts Eye Eye Sir and a Urrah for good measure and proceedes with his mission. The Army and Navy Chiefs are really impressed, however the Air Force chief of Staff is doubled over laughing.
When asked wyh he is laughing so hard, he replies, "If you want to see bravery, Guts and nerve, watch this".
An Airman 1 striper is walking past with his hands in his pockets, hat on backwards and the chief of staff barks "Airman" the airman spits out his gum and says "WHAT" The General then says "Pick up that cigarette butt."
The airman replies "Drop Dead". Now that is bravery.
- Jack P. USAF (Ret)
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D.W.Morris an 82 year retired Sgt/T5,went to see the doctor to get a physical.A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgious young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,"You're really doing great,aren't you?"
Morris repied,"Just doing what you said Doc". "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said," I didn't say that,I said,'You've got a heart murmur,and be carful.
Morris repied,"Just doing what you said Doc". "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said," I didn't say that,I said,'You've got a heart murmur,and be carful.
- Joe G Inocencio
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Driving a tanker near Qui Nhon, I was riding shotgun, two men on a bike,riding along side had a granade,shot the SOB,Thought they were going to throw on top of tanker. Now magazine,it was on seat. Turns out they were two South Vietnamese, Tere lucky day... True story. SP4 ROY RALSTON 1966-67.
- SP4 Roy Ralston
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Uarriving at naval station Treasure Island in San Francisco bay, I was reporting to reserve boot camp, and my dad, a reserve commander was driving. I observed a chief petty officer wearing gold insignia and hash marks and asked my dad what that represented.Seeing that the chief had the crossed keys of a storekeeper (supply), he said "Twelve years of undetected crime". Later I found out that after twelve years of good conduct ribbons, you are entitled to gold braid, it was my father's dry way of looking people in the supply business.
- ignats korfotch
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Captain John Paul Jones stood on the blood-soaked, burning deck of his sinking ship. The Captain of the British ship asked if he wished to surrender. Captain John Paul Jones drew himself up to his full height and answered "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!"
...and a Marine Sharpshooter high in the rigging said "There's always one son-of-a-bitch who doesn't get the word!"
- Jerry Kinsey
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She was Sooooooo Blonde
She thought General Motors was in the army.
- al beebe
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A Corporal was complaining that he was not promoted was
told that he had no tact. He asked what that was and his LT. told him its the art of saying something but not directly. "Here," said the LT, "is a telegram that Private Smith's mother died. Go tell him." The Corporal ran out, blew his whistle and lined up the platoon. The Corporal than ordered "all men whose mothers are alive take one step foward" and than he barked "not so fast Private Smith."
- sy
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Pentagon found had too many generals and offered early retirement; would get $10,000 for every inch between any two points on body; his choice.
1st one (AF) meas. from top of head to tip toes; was 6' and got $720,000.
2nd one (Army)used up stretched arms to toes; was 8' and got $960,000.
3rd one (Marine) said, son, measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles, and with protest,told general to 'drop em' and began to measure.
"Good grief", he cried, where are your testicles?
"Vietnam," the general replied.
1st one (AF) meas. from top of head to tip toes; was 6' and got $720,000.
2nd one (Army)used up stretched arms to toes; was 8' and got $960,000.
3rd one (Marine) said, son, measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles, and with protest,told general to 'drop em' and began to measure.
"Good grief", he cried, where are your testicles?
"Vietnam," the general replied.
- Don Ward Navy
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A Sergeant driving a jeep encounters a Colonel, stuck in knee deep mud. "Is your jeep stuck, Sir?" asks the Sergeant. The Colonel tossed the Sergeant a set of keys and said, "No, your's is."
- B.B. Yarborough
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A Republican Guard company and the first Sgt. addressed them. "We have been ordered to change our underwear. First platoon change with second platoon. thrd platoon change with Headquarters platoon.
- Stewart Diamond
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Two marines were securely dug in their foxhole which happened to be only 30 feet away from three VC who were securely dug in as well. No matter how they try to shot-up each side, no one is getting hit. One marine thought of a strategy to attract the enemy out in the open . He whispered to his buddy to give him a common or famous Vietnamese name. Nguyen he whispered back. Cover me he said and then hollered,
Hey Nguyen! A VC head popped out and replied Yah POW! I got one, his buddy counted. Try again. Hey Nguyen! Another VC head popped out, Yah POW! I got two now, his buddy claimed. Try again. So the Marine called out .Hey Nguyen! No response this time. The Marine called out again and louder and still no response from the third VC. Well, the VC somehow figured out the treachery and he called out Hey Bob. No response from the Marines. Hey Jack, no response, Hey John Nothing. In desperation, the VC called out, Hey Joe . Is that you Nguyen? Yah! POW.
Hey Nguyen! A VC head popped out and replied Yah POW! I got one, his buddy counted. Try again. Hey Nguyen! Another VC head popped out, Yah POW! I got two now, his buddy claimed. Try again. So the Marine called out .Hey Nguyen! No response this time. The Marine called out again and louder and still no response from the third VC. Well, the VC somehow figured out the treachery and he called out Hey Bob. No response from the Marines. Hey Jack, no response, Hey John Nothing. In desperation, the VC called out, Hey Joe . Is that you Nguyen? Yah! POW.
- Gus DeGuzman
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Two marines were securely dug in their foxhole which happened to be only 30 feet away from three VC who were securely dug in as well. No matter how they try to shot-up each side, no one is getting hit. One marine thought of a strategy to attract the enemy out in the open . He whispered to his buddy to give him a common or famous Vietnamese name. Nguyen he whispered back. Cover me he said and then hollered,
Hey Nguyen! A VC head popped out and replied Yah POW! I got one, his buddy counted. Try again. Hey Nguyen! Another VC head popped out, Yah POW! I got two now, his buddy claimed. Try again. So the Marine called out
.Hey Nguyen! No response this time. The Marine called out again and louder and still no response from the third VC. Well, the VC somehow figured out the treachery and he called out Hey Bob. No response from the Marines. Hey Jack, no response, Hey John Nothing. In desperation, the VC called out, Hey Joe
. Is that you Nguyen? Yah! POW.
- Gus DeGuzman
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