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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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An Army Chaplain, An USAF Doctor and a Marine Lawyer were in a Boat. They had lost their oars, and were near an Island, but were surrounded by "SHARKS", they decided, that the only way to make it to the island, was for one t jump overboard & swim away from the island, and the other two could swim to the island, and hope that the sharks didn't get the one swimming the other way. The MARINE LAWYER, said, I'll do it & Jumped overboard & swam away, the other two jumped overboard the other way & swam to the island. They looked out to sea, t see how the Marine was making out! To their surprise, he was riding the back of one of the Largest Sharks in the Bunch. The shark swam right up next to the island and the Lawyer stepped off on "Dry land" The shark then swam away, & the Lawyer waved to them, s they left. It's a "Miracle" said the Chaplain, "No" said the Marine Lawyer, "JUST A PROFESSIONAL COURTESY!
- BOB GWIN
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While at Ft. Wainwright, Alaska, The USAF had mostly been shipped to other bases, and only a few remained. One day, while the only USAF Sgt in the Housing Area, he lived in, was out washing his car, withhis Army Sgt, neighbors, one of them asked, "Why didn't you join the Army instead of the Air Force?", He replied, I tried to, but was turned down! at This, all the Army Sgts were listening very cosely, "Why" Asked the Army SGt. "Bcause, said the USAF Sgt, THEY FOUND THAT MY PARENTS WERE MARRIED!" They never Harrassed him any more after that, about the Army. BUT some of the Men liked Alaska so well, they switched from USAF to Army, to be able to stay up there. Personally, with the Temp, at -75 below Zero F. in l961, I was glad when the orders came to rotate to the "Lower 48" But wasn't happy with my assignment at "Dover AFB, Delaware" The wind was worse than Alaska, the Snow worse, & "They didn't give you "ARTIC GEAR" in Dealwar & the Girls had to be imported from Wilmington De, Penns GroveNJ & Philadelphia Pa by USO Bus, so we could hve "Dance Partners" NO JOKE. BOB GWIN bobgwin@zwallt.com, if anyone wants to email me, aged 62, Tulsa, OK, married since l971, same wife Ex-Navy, & Ohio & I'm from Alabama.
- BOB GWIN
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How many officers does it take to start a jeep? 5, how many NCO's does it take? 1, cause no matter how many of them you have officers can't do anything right.
- Devil PUP 03
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Do you know how to play Iraqi bingo?
C-130... F-16... B-52....
C-130... F-16... B-52....
- Michelle DeVille
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One day a recruit in basic combat training screwed up. Once the trainer heard about it he chewed the recruit a new hole. some time latter the private complained about the chewing out, and the trainer heard about it again. so the trainer went up to the recruit and said, "I heard that you are going to spit on my grave when i'm dead. Is that true?"
The recruit replied, "Sir, once I leave this place I am never going to stand in line again."
The recruit replied, "Sir, once I leave this place I am never going to stand in line again."
- Richard A Draeger Jr.
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A General from the Army, Air Force, Marines and an Admiral all get together to decide which branch has the most guts. The Army General says watch this."Private, Go stand in the middle of that shooting range while I commense a firing drill and don't move.""Yes, Sir!"replies the private as he got shot to pieces. Then the Army General Says,"Now thats guts!" The Marine General says,"Watch this. Private, take this grenade, pull the pin, but don't throw it." "Yes, Sir!" replies the private and he gets blown apart. The Marine General says," No, Thats guts!" The Air Force General says,"No, watch this. Airmen, get into that plane, fly to 15,000 agl, then do a nose dive straight into the ground. Don't pull up and don't eject." "Yes, sir!" Says the airman as he crashes into the ground. "Now thats guts," says the Air Force General. The Admiral looks at them and says,"Watch this. Seman, get to the top of that mast and do a bellyflop from there to the deck of the ship." The seman looks at him and says,"Screw you,sir!" Then the Admiral says," Now thats guts!!"
- John Fortunato
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What's the difference between the army&the boy scouts?Boy scouts have adult leadership.
- john corner
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There was a little boy walking through the airport and saw a Marine standing there in his Dress Blues. The little boy walked up to the Marine and said "Gee, are you a Marine?" "Why yes I am" replied the Marine. "can I wear your hat" asked the little boy. "Sure said the Marine. Better yet" said the Marine, "Why don't you just keep it." The little boy said thank you and continued walking through the airport. As he walked on, he saw and old crusty Sergeant Major Ranger drinking in a bar. The little boy walked up to the Sergeant Major and said, "Gee Mr., are you a Ranger?" The Sergeant Major said, "Ya, what of it?" The little boy said, "Can I wear your beret?" The Sergeant Major said, "Do you wanta kiss my ...." and the little boy said, "Oh no sir, I'm not a Marine, I'm just wearing his hat."
- CPT Scott
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In the 1600's three military men were captured by the native americans. A British soldier, a French soldier and an American soldier. The chieftain explained to the three men that they would be tortured, their entrails removed, roasted over a slow fire to tan their hides and then their skin would be used for canoes. He then told he man he would give them a single wish before they started. He asked the British soldier first and after thinking a short time the soldier asked for a knife where upon he immediately killed himself. He then asked the French soldier who seeing the British soldier kill himself thought that was a pretty good idea so he also asked for a knife and killed himself. The cheiftain then came to the American soldier. The American soldier lookied him in the eye and asked for a fork. "A FORK?" asked the cheif but then gave it to the American. The soldier immediately started to stab himself all over his body and when he finished he replied, "screw your canoes!"
- Gordon
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Three Majors walk into a bar the other ducks. The first two asked him " What's wrong major?" He said " Oh, nothing, I just remember an old joke I heard about two majors walking into a bar and the other one ducking."
- Andy Gosman
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The RB-47 was modified to carry three crewmembers in what would have been the bomb bay in a bomber. Those crewmen were called Ravens or Crows and operated the electronic reconnaissance systems. Their normal roll in any emergency was to just do as directed, because most emergencies were not in their area and not their concern. The few emergencies that involved the crows required only that they inform the Aircraft Commander (pilot) of what was going on. During emergency procedure review, a question was read, "You are cruising at 35,000 feet when the aircraft goes into a spin. The aircraft is still in a spin when you reach 15,000 feet, what is your reaction?"
The CO looked around and directed it to one of the crows that had been nearly asleep and didn't hear the question. So, the crow, instead of giving the correct response, which was to 'Bail Out', gave what would be his correct answer in 95 out of 100 cases, "Notify the pilot, Sir."
The CO looked around and directed it to one of the crows that had been nearly asleep and didn't hear the question. So, the crow, instead of giving the correct response, which was to 'Bail Out', gave what would be his correct answer in 95 out of 100 cases, "Notify the pilot, Sir."
- Bruce Bailey
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During the Vietnam War, Dustoff took two badly wounded and banged up soldiers, one American and one Viet Cong to an Evac Hospital. The Colonel in charge asked the GI what happened to him.
"Well, Sir", he replied. I was pinned down on one side of a road by this VC on the other side. I thought that if I insulted Ho Chi Minh that he would jump up and I would shoot hi. So I yelled "Ho Chi Minh is a SOB"! He immediately replied, "Lyndon Johnson is an asshole"! We were standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when we were run over by an M113 APC.
"Well, Sir", he replied. I was pinned down on one side of a road by this VC on the other side. I thought that if I insulted Ho Chi Minh that he would jump up and I would shoot hi. So I yelled "Ho Chi Minh is a SOB"! He immediately replied, "Lyndon Johnson is an asshole"! We were standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when we were run over by an M113 APC.
- Neil Young
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There were three Sailors walking along the pier going to lunch. A Petty Officer 2nd Class, a Pett Officer 1st Class and a Chief Petty Officer. One of them saw an Aladins Lamp, so he picked it up and proceeded to rub it. Suddenly a Genie popped out and said to the Sailors, "I grant each one of you one wish each." The 2nd Class wished to be the richest man in the world. The 1st class wished to have all the pretty women in the world. And the Chief wished that everybody would be back to work at 1300 hours.
- Joe Dutton
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Any time more than two GIs get together the promotion system will enter the conversation. Everyone has a gripe about the system and most have a fix for it. The best I ever heard came from one of the Crows (EWOs): he said, "Everyone should come into the Air Force as a full colonel and be allowed to sink to their own level."
- Bruce Bailey
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Q: What's the difference between when a military man talks dirty to a woman versus a woman talking dirty to a military man?
A: When a military man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrasment. When a woman talks dirty to a military man, it's $3.95 a minute.
A: When a military man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrasment. When a woman talks dirty to a military man, it's $3.95 a minute.
- Isikar
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