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MILITARY JOKES
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The Story of Uncle Bob
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
"Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 VC. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
"Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 VC. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking.
- DWWhite
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In 1958 at Ft. Ord Calif, an MP corporal stopped the Post Commander for speeding and proceeded to write him a DR. The General asked," Do you know who I am soldier?" The MP replied,"Yes Sir."
The General said,"If you write me a DR you won't be a corporal tomorrow."
He wrote it anyway and was called into the Commander's office the next morning where he was promoted to sargent.
- Cal Langford
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OFF DUTY AIRMAN
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately, carefully, and slowly, so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished." Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' bottoms are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump poop out of an aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately, carefully, and slowly, so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished." Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' bottoms are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump poop out of an aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
- REX
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SGC Mc Carty was our Motor Pool Honcho. Mac always had a cigar in his mouth but, after serving for a year I never saw him light it. We received a new shave tail and they made him the OIC of the Motor Pool.
He had been on the job for just one day when he walked into the motor pool area and saw Mac with the cigar in his mouth. The Lt went up to Mac and said, "Sgt Mc Carty, you can not smoke in the motor pool area." Mac says, "Sir, I am not smoking."
Lt says, "Sgt Mc Carty, you have your cigar in your mouth, so you are smoking!" Calmly Mac says, "LT, I have my ass in my pants, but I am mot pooping in them."
He had been on the job for just one day when he walked into the motor pool area and saw Mac with the cigar in his mouth. The Lt went up to Mac and said, "Sgt Mc Carty, you can not smoke in the motor pool area." Mac says, "Sir, I am not smoking."
Lt says, "Sgt Mc Carty, you have your cigar in your mouth, so you are smoking!" Calmly Mac says, "LT, I have my ass in my pants, but I am mot pooping in them."
- Lester St. Andrie
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We had a sign on the wall over the urinals in the latrine. It read:
"We aim to please... so please aim!"
- Wallace B Christina
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The new recruit was nervous as he prepared to fire the Grenade Launcher at the target jeep.
His Drill Instructor tried to calm him down and walk him through firing it. The recruit started ok, but panic set in at the last moment. He closed his eyes and flinched while he fired.
The Drill Sgt, seeing this ducked to avoid be hit.
After hearing the explosion of the grenade the recruit opened his eyes and asked the Drill Sgt if he had hit the jeep.
The Drill Sgt said, "Well, you hit A JEEP, but I don't think the Major is very happy that he will have to walk back to base."
- Guy Salsburg
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[1954 Ft. Lee, VA.] Sunday, a group of us are smoking cigars. I and another GI were standing on a little porch on the second floor. My friend flipped his cigar out onto the ground, just as the Sgt was passing, and it nearly landed on him. He looked up at us, and saw me, and he said, "Mlinar is that your cigar?" And before I could answer, my friend says, "No. Go ahead and take it Sarge, you saw it first!"
- Tom Mlinar
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"Knock... knock"
"Who is there?"
"Lisa."
"Lisa who?"
"Betta Lis-A car before you take that trip!"
"Who is there?"
"Lisa."
"Lisa who?"
"Betta Lis-A car before you take that trip!"
- debra
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"Knock....Knock"
"Who is there?"
"Farm."
"Farm Who?" "For me to know and you to find out!!"
"Who is there?"
"Farm."
"Farm Who?" "For me to know and you to find out!!"
- debra
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A FARMER LOADED HIS WIFE ONTO THE WAGON AND HOOKED UP THE MULE TO HAUL THE WAGON.
AS THEY RODE DOWN THE COUNTRY ROAD A RATTLESNAKE CROSSED IN FRONT OF THE MULE AND KNOCKED THE FARMER OFF THE WAGON. THE FARMER LOOKED AT THE MULE AND SAID
"ALL RIGHT MULE THAT'S ONE". A LITTLE FURTHER THE MULE FROOZE AT CROSSING A BRIDGE.
THE FARMER SAID "MULE THAT'S TWO". A MILE DOWN THE ROAD THE MULE JUMPED BECAUSE A RABBIT RAN IN FRONT OF HIM.
THE FARMER GOT OFF THE WAGON AND SAID "MULE I'VE HAD ENOUGH AND SHOT THE MULE.
HIS WIFE JUMPED UP AND SHOUTED "YOU STUPID IDIOT WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR"?
THE FARMER TURNED TO HIS WIFE AND SAID "WIFE THAT'S ONE!"
"ALL RIGHT MULE THAT'S ONE". A LITTLE FURTHER THE MULE FROOZE AT CROSSING A BRIDGE.
THE FARMER SAID "MULE THAT'S TWO". A MILE DOWN THE ROAD THE MULE JUMPED BECAUSE A RABBIT RAN IN FRONT OF HIM.
THE FARMER GOT OFF THE WAGON AND SAID "MULE I'VE HAD ENOUGH AND SHOT THE MULE.
HIS WIFE JUMPED UP AND SHOUTED "YOU STUPID IDIOT WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR"?
THE FARMER TURNED TO HIS WIFE AND SAID "WIFE THAT'S ONE!"
- STEVE STEMMER
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First night in a wooded area of Germany during WWII, everyone was scared.
About dusk someone yelled "GAS!"
Everybody started looking for his gas mask.
One truck driver was running towards his truck through the woods, to get his gas mask, with a sheet wrapped around him.
Another GI raised up from his foxhole and started shooting at the guy, yelling, "Ghost...Ghost."
The guy that started all this yelled," I only wanted you all to know that I farted!"
About dusk someone yelled "GAS!"
Everybody started looking for his gas mask.
One truck driver was running towards his truck through the woods, to get his gas mask, with a sheet wrapped around him.
Another GI raised up from his foxhole and started shooting at the guy, yelling, "Ghost...Ghost."
The guy that started all this yelled," I only wanted you all to know that I farted!"
- Calvin Langford
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During WWII General Patton was inspecting a Spear Head 155 Howitzer Co. that had been in battle for months. He walked up to the first soldier. The soldier came to salute arms with his M1 Rifle. As he threw the bolt back, a round flew out of the rifle.
The General asked,"Soldier don't you know that rifle is supposed to be empty for inspection?"
The soldier replied,"Sir, as long as I'm over here it ain't never gonna be empty." The next soldier had a German gas mask on his side. Are the American gas masks not good enough for you, soldier?"
He replied," I know our masks are good enough for our gas, but I'm not so sure about the German's." After the inspection Gen. Patton told the Battery Commander that he had good men, that weren't scared of the devil himself and that's me.
The soldier replied,"Sir, as long as I'm over here it ain't never gonna be empty." The next soldier had a German gas mask on his side. Are the American gas masks not good enough for you, soldier?"
He replied," I know our masks are good enough for our gas, but I'm not so sure about the German's." After the inspection Gen. Patton told the Battery Commander that he had good men, that weren't scared of the devil himself and that's me.
- Calvin Langford
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At the Ft Jackson receiving and processing station we fell out for police call,
we were separated by educational level for police call.
The College men were to pick up paper,
the high school graduates were to pick up matches and cigarette buts,
those who only went to the 8th grade or less were to watch and see if they could learn anything.
- C.L. Mike O'Neill
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Two Generals and an Admiral were seating around arguing about who had the bravest men.
The Navy admiral attested that he had the bravest men by far, to be able to sit out at sea, vulnerable to attack from sub, sea, and air.
The Army general said that his men were the bravest, that they went into battle the enemy.
The Marine general stated that he clearly had the bravest men, since they were the first ones into to battle and the last ones out.
The Navy admiral brought them to a shipyard, and called out to a seaman atop a tall tower. He then ordered the seaman to jump, and the seaman jumped to his certain death. "See that's brave! He knew he'd surely die, but he did as ordered." The Army general then stated that his men were braver still. The Marine general just stated, "That's not brave, that's just stupid."
The Army general then took them to an Army range, and ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant did as ordered, and was blown up within seconds. "See that's brave! He knew the risk and did as ordered." "No, mine was braver," stated the Navy admiral.
"No, that was just stupid," the Marine general butted in. "Let me show you true bravery," he said, and brought them to a Marine range. Once there, he ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant came to the position of attention, saluted, and said, "F**K You, Sir!" The Marine general looked to the others and said, "Now that's brave!"
The Navy admiral brought them to a shipyard, and called out to a seaman atop a tall tower. He then ordered the seaman to jump, and the seaman jumped to his certain death. "See that's brave! He knew he'd surely die, but he did as ordered." The Army general then stated that his men were braver still. The Marine general just stated, "That's not brave, that's just stupid."
The Army general then took them to an Army range, and ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant did as ordered, and was blown up within seconds. "See that's brave! He knew the risk and did as ordered." "No, mine was braver," stated the Navy admiral.
"No, that was just stupid," the Marine general butted in. "Let me show you true bravery," he said, and brought them to a Marine range. Once there, he ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant came to the position of attention, saluted, and said, "F**K You, Sir!" The Marine general looked to the others and said, "Now that's brave!"
- robert black
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